How does an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi -Indian) explain Diwali ???

How does an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi -Indian) explain to his younger brother the topic - When and how did Diwali begin? This is how he goes about it…(preferably read it with an American accent). Well this is the post which i've kept for so long in draft before i decided to post.

So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.But, like, his step mom, or somethin’, was kind of a bitch, and she forcedher husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin’.

Since he was going, for like, somethin’ like more than 10 years or so,he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know… so that theycould all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit,really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But thisdude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad gansta’ boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don’t piss this son-of-a-gunz ‘coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don’t mess with gods.

So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta’s ass in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time’s up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home.

His bro and the wife are back home. People thought, well, you know,atleast they deserve somethin’ nice and they didn’t have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke or shit. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too.So it was pretty cooool…

you know with all those fireworks really,they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very firstmusical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the Julystuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!!

Diwali Rocks Maaaan!