I just wish...

How many times did I posted starting with 'I just wish'?? not sure but am certain of some good numbers though.

Don’t you just wish that someway somehow we all have just a sliver of control of the outcome of our own life??

That even though God is in control, that maybe, just maybe, that certain something happens that can control the falling dominos seemingly in an ordered disarray due in part to something you did, wished, or prayed??

‘Life’ can definitely throw some curve balls once in a while, and when it does it’s so weird how it “puts you back in place”, almost as if it’s a medicinal humbling pill.

I’ve experienced it way too many times. I call it’s God’s test of perseverance. Others call it life. But regardless it feels the same for both. Humbling, contrite, and sorrow for the soul and with a HOPE full of vivid optimism and gushing spirits.

Destiny Calls - Welcome aboard poor soul

So here we are again…

Yes.. I was in a kind of state of pause. I’ve been here loong time before. A month or two between posts and so much has gone unwritten. I fast forward to now and I will be adding a few from the back burner soon, that I had kept for so looong. Obviously wondering if it ever matters to anyone but there are lot many things to be told, more views to be shared. So Gear for another round of the roller coaster ride that my life is as the clueless, hapless soul in me trying to comprehend what have I build with my erector set and where this run-away train is leading me.

It isn’t exactly describable,… that being how I feel. I can only say that days go really, really fast and my mind is not the same anymore. I try to ignore it and sometimes it helps, but in many other ways it makes the things only go worse.

Tonight I try again. I’ve told myself this for the last 12 odd (though numerically even) weeks, and it’s really getting tiring. Not sure why it would change now. I’ve been asking almighty for plenty of help.

It has been really hot this week not a pleasant time of the year to be in. Wonder how we had spent those year-end annual holidays playing all along under the scorching sun. May be time makes you so weak that you live the days of agony wondering if those days would ever come again.

The sudden surge of happenings since a while had me perturbed and left me gasping for breath (Why is it so ??,  not that I know !!!). It’s not that I’m up to a race to the Mt. Everest. It’s just that I had been so institutionalized within my surroundings for a while. Now that things are beginning to change it seems life has started to knock me off my balance. I ain’t afraid of it as I hope that it could at least help in stirring the dormant underdog in me.

The thinking or rather Musing Monkey

And obviously life is now taking me to those turns I never knew existed or rather paid attention to all the while. Its like things have gone so much into auto-cruise mode. I no longer have any control of the happenings these days. Not that I had it steered all the while the way I wanted but still it was comforting that I can have the control whenever I wanted to. Well, hoping this might well take me to the avenues that I never were and could somehow make truce with it to steer towards a common destiny.

Destiny eh ?? I wonder where it really is now. May be I have to find the lost ones dusting off from my old thoughts deep down my mind. Sure thing that most of them would've become all so meaningless like those insignificant entities trying to make something out of themselves. To sound hopeful, this puts me into some kind of better situation that I can mend myself in ways I can and have some accountability towards my destiny for its not just me no more.. For in pursuit I only worry about the piteous unfortunate one hoping to transpire its own destiny while its already destined to be doomed.

LIFE... THE GREATEST PREDATOR OF MANKIND

Three more days is all I have.

Here I am languishing like a brat.. in full of deplorable and inexorable state..

Guess i've made a huge mess out of myself... For I had the choices with-in me aplenty paying a big tribute to my slothful life

All my dreams have gone so huge as they now look staggeringly unsurmountable... Like the way these twenty-twenty matches happens at times when the asking rate goes on rather disarrayed multitudes that are so improbable to score even given that all the legal deliveries are scored for a maximum...

Not that I haven't seen it coming. I've been trying to ward off the perilous happening all the while. The only way I could've done that is by showing some real acrion which I gravely lacked.

Having all but no chance to stop the inevitable from happening. I've got to give-in to the life's demand driven by social ire...

Yep... Three days is all I have before my life draws close to the world of my dreams, delusions rather tumultuous and designed to fail.

Hope I could do with the changes all of which set to follow for I had to change course and steer through from the insipid, placid lake to a place of high current. It could be the wild roaring river from a waterfall or rather be the infinite ocean's pulsating waves.

Life can take you to places it wishes to if you let it drive on its own after getting carried away with all those delusions. For I have absolutely no HOPE whatsoever now of getting anywhere than an ordinary man can get to.

To all those fortunate souls out there, I the hapless soul, slothy SOAB hereby concede my DEFEAT to LIFE... THE GREATEST PREDATOR OF MANKIND....

Life is a Battle field....

Not that I belong there anymore... It seems mid-life crisis is fast catching up.. So much.. So early... Life is not a pleasant ride anymore.. not that I wanted it to be for I always preferred to ride the tide than to watch the calm picturesque sea in solitude... 

But, life seems fast fading away.. with everyday wrapping up to another brutal, grueling day of exhaustion, experience reminding me of my way cast away from all that i've dreamt in more than one dimensions... May be I dont have it in me anymore (not that I had it ever, may be its just me..)

Trying hard tumultuously to find ways of sobering up and having ended up again and again where it all started... hoping dismally the days of misery will shomehow wash away in a licketysplit like a dream fast fading.... only these words echo in my mind everytime i take an insipid breath dozzed off asthalin deep down my throat amid wild gasps and drawing hums suffocated out of eosinophilia..

Fear not restless mind,

For the days are longer

and the winds are stronger

Worry not for what did you not find

for the worst is far from over

and the dust will make you sober

Bother not for all that you've become

For The tide would only last till the seasons gone

the fads who flow would fall along

tis time for the tide to turn and swords be drawn

for the battle of the life is finally on

just take a deep breath of silence 

for its time you wield your willow for a HOME RUN !!!

Battered and out...

Guess Im done with all my misery
And all the things that i did to me so smeary
Still standing but battered
The pain that keeps me all so cluttered

The miles I tread seems getting longer
As the wind and darkness seem to grow stronger
Undeterred I try still keep chasing on
Un-fluttered the darkness still keeps stalking on

Distant dreams seems just a mirage
Adding just one more year to my age
Last tasted success seems eons ago
Leaving me stranded with so many miles to go

The days are getting longer and loner
Smacking a reminder that im just another goner
Trembling legs tumbling tears i still try
To break the shackles from the cobwebs of my life

Years in a jiffy seem to roll me by
As life seem so still and im laying bye
Sometimes i wonder cursing me why
Withered and battered still i lie

can't believe I'm so broken inside.
for i've failed to keep my self aside
Nothing else here seem to matter anymore
Don't think I have it in me no more

Courage is what I once had so high
Ravaging with time as it feels the end game draws nigh
Dreaded yet I try keep walking on
The dire straits of my life hardly seem to move on

So many threats and fears, so many wasted years
Before my life can actually be won to be my own


And yep there were some rare moments of gold
With lot many stories gone untold
And yep there were flashes of light
filled with hope of may and might

We see just what we want to see
So you feel just what you want to be
Hoping that everything is coming back to me
I hope I'll just be what I was to be

Solving the 4x4x4 Cube - The Rubik Revenge - New Obsession

Solving the Rubik Revenge has become a new obsession. Thanks to Murali for importing one for me (For free ofcourse :) )  

While I must admit that I still am trying to perfect my skills and that i could only accidentally arrive at the solution after trying different combinations for atleast half-an-hour, its really a wonderful and exciting step ahead much more that one could get solving a beginners 3x3x3.

I had taught many of my pals to use an easier algorithm based on patterns and orientations. I would soon post  my very own algorithm for solving a 3x3x3 aka algo-de-chuppandi. It feels really weary to prepare a documentation of sorts. I approach the given scrambled cube in the form of a 3cube matrix. starting from orienting to transpose layer-via-layer. This way one could get to the solution quite quickly. However it would seem all very complex with lots of moves. 

Now Rubik revenge is an entirely different game altogether. I kinda vaguely remembered I had read somewhere a professor I Ching had similar structure at hand when he had to transpose DNA segments when arranged in the form of a three dimensional matrix. In cond-mat/0204078, too they've tried to re-orgenize the cubes in a spacial nodes with particular application to binary sequences of length six of the general concept of sequence-space, first introduced in coding theory by Hamming. 

a six-dimensional hypercube

It also makes us wonder how the nature points us ways of solving things that could be far complex to comprehend by a human mind..

Well sorry for yet another boring subject guyz. If you sure are not able to catch what i was just balbberring just wait for my next video and documentation on solving a hyper cube of any size. 

Now for the record thatz me with my cube... intolerable ain't it... :)

Revenge...

Thatz me with my cube @office :)

And thatz how i keep my desk... :)

Another chance.. too close to be lost...

Hey guyz...
Just to update you all, I just am in pursuit of perhaps what could be one last chance to trek along the valleys to my dream....

Wish me luck guys... for im on a run-away train with just hope left in me to get back to where it all begun.... Just for a chance to start it all-over again...

Will update ya all soon.....  as to whether i did made it or flunked is as if by habit...

Home Alone - Lost in Solitude - Adieu to Murali...

Lying alone on my makeshift mattress like a 'Lonely Cat' i was wondering how long am i going to see the ceiling... must've been an hour atleast. And my eyes are full of tears.. (yeah... I cried after many long days....) the chill that i can feel as i see the fan that as it kept rotating incessantly kinda deported me to those good old days... The days gone by like a flash..

Must've been more than 4 and half years now... They say life flies like an arrow.. It went indeed very swiftly. we never had time to look back and i never knew we like each other so much that we would definitely feel for ourselves...

I was crying like the way i used to (with the same gasps for breath) when my grandpa used to leave me whenever he comes for the annual leave or during those few occasions. The long days we would spend time together. Roaming the street bazaars, introspecting and reflecting on each others thoughts, the advices he used to give, the foolishly ruthless stare he used to cast upon me to show his reprobation on my fallacious deeds, and how I’d neutralize him by striking the flesh under his ear and watch it dance back and forth and at times climb on his back to rock his bald head... The nights i used to sleep embracing him feeling his heart beat on the wet towel he daily used to sleep with on the floor. 

I kinda remember all that now... The kind of eerie feeling that I get when he leaves me alone (though with my parents)... No one would be so important to me... I had not talked sense to anyone at times even for a week or more until his letters come. There are days he left without uttering a word to me when I’m out to school, ground or asleep fearing I’d make a scene and equally tough for him to leave with a heavy heart. Such is the bonding we shared.

I got all of that back after so many years now... I did not even felt this way when I left to Chennai for work from my home. I decidedly wanted to stay alone with friends than the host of relatives who are even nearby to my workplace and ofcourse did welcome me (though some hesitantly and some for the sake of....) I always wanted to make new friends. My dad though was so hesitant later approved when he saw me i got a few of them who joined along with me.

It was outright fun from start. We had no restrictions, no boundaries, no one to complain, no one to grumble, scolder, reprimand or even to appreciate and feel good for. We were four of us. Vijay, Sundar, Murali and myself. The first one left a bit early (after 2yrs) the next a bit less than a year ago and the third one today. 

This post is mainly dedicated to the one that stood with me till the last. To tell him how I actually felt though I may not actually say it. This is what I felt from inside though i never voiced out my emotions. I did not wanted him to leave with heavy heart like me and mainly because afterall how long would he be able to stay with me. Perhaps this is why they insist one should get married. It makes a bit sense now that when you are alone you need someone atleast to talk to. Parents cannot last that long in your journey of life. But let me reiterate that I can live with this for after all I’ve been living lonely for years without my dearly one...

I just wanted to document our journey together in life. The few years we spent together had really taught me what friendship really is and what it really isn't

Murali and I had shared so much for so long that we even know what to eat and where... We talk so much about so many things... Him a movie maniac who turned out to be a scientist. And me a self-proclaimed maniac turned moron so retarded that i can only keep saying everything suffixing back then during the days of.....

I mean we both are so different personalities with different character, ambitions, mindset and everything barring a few. He an avid listener of music across all genres the only one who withstood my tortures in the name of classical music. Inquisitive, humble, simplistic and self-opined though he asks a host of questions about each and everything, i guess he has this power of remembrance that he could even recognize the patterns in persons, the day everything had happened and if it was cloudy on that day.

We have argued so much about so many things all these days... I never felt i'd rather be this emotional when he leave.. 

Its actually a misery that me being the last one left to lurch on this godforsaken doom that frustrates me. I look around.. the TV which we all bought together(Though i oddly watched it except for those IPL matches my pals enjoyed it the most which is why they vetoed me when was fighting lonely amongst the maniacs letting out a feeble cry to buy something useful). The room we spent our night talking along incessantly for hours at times even till 2am (Certainly guys we are not gays). The shelf that is empty which used to be so tidy below mine which would be so awkward and full of rubbish. The PC that we so avidly used to watch movies search about anything vagabonding from one to other as mind goes by. 

I guess we had spent so much time together in a few years than my home. Never been so attached to being in a surrounding for so long. But i now kind of feel like it has all gone away in a flash. I never realized that this is coming. Not even all these days he told me that he had to leave. But the moment he left from here i got that feeling (DéjàVu). The heaviness in my heart that I’m alone at the home where we spent all these unfruitful days of mine together. 

I took him home one day where my mom had complained about my reclusive behavior. He tried to negate that by saying how i actually feel. Since then my parents used to tell me that 'he aint a gud boy.. don’t stay with him'. I can now tell them he is no longer with me and that your gud boy will stay unadulterated.

It all started the day we both had signed the agreement papers with our house owners. It is quite evident that we took the initiative... Quite natural for our character. We both had signed the bond while other two stood witness to it. Since then we used to call ourselves as House Owners... Wonder if the term still means anything. I still remember him only as HO. The term we used to bully the other room-mates as the counter plans they made were pathetically flawed.

I guess I should find it now.. Search it somewhere... (We lost it the same month). It is the symbol of the friendship. I regard that as the agreement that actually bonded us together. It may seem like an odd possibility but in fact it really is.....

Well I’d better finish it here than to get emotional again... 

I never thought I’d be so childish in expecting people to be with forever. It took some time for me to come to terms since my grandpa had left I guess this should take much lesser than that. But I think its good to let some hurt come in so that you would atleast try to end the prolonged procrastination and would search for life that is so vibrant, energetic, challenging, fortunate and equally fruitful.

Life is a journey, and we are not-so-tempestuous travelers of time who met on a juncture\causeway and happened to tread along for years together. The day has come that we are at cross-roads and we had to take the bend to walk through the pathway of life, not knowing what lies ahead. Destiny is never a choice for people who pass-by. We might meet again on another bend for the world is round and even if not I wish him all the best on all the walks of his life. And would like to reiterate few words from our favorite band the rascal flatts - My Wish....

"My wish for you

Is that this life becomes all that you want it to

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small

You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to

I hope you know somebody loves you

And wants the same things too

Yeah, this is my wish"

Wish him best of luck on his love to succeed as well... Cheers Mate....

Bucket Sandhi

Sorry for the caste specific post. This is something i just wanted to tell ya all.... Im sure no one would feel offended with this. If you find it boring, pl. ignore...

Hey guyz.. 

I know i ain't supposed to b here preaching malice... But just being curious to know if there are others doing bucket sandhi as well...

While I very much wanted to do the Sandhi everyday, the inability of mine added with unavailability of time had forced me to frustration as i found it hard to cope with my otherwise pandemonistic and lazy lifestyle.

Which is when the inventor in me thought about finding a new alternative... 

With credit to my TRIZ skill i found it very convenient to alter the traditional method of doing it in the banks of the river. (there used to be river running around every city, coroporation, village and harmitages those days) which is why brahmins those days were doing it while taking bath.

I was like why not we do it while bathing too... That is when it all started 'The Bucket Sandhi'.... I've been doing it for years now.. I donno if it really violates any of the sacred verses that we insipidly recite day and again. To which i think I do not hold any curses for culpable damage to...

On the other hand i do it seriously without hesistance of any kind twice a day (madhyaniham - never tried that..). I've been doing it for almost 5 yrs now...

Well to those perfectionists pl ignore me as yet another anomalies.... To those fellow Bucket Sandhi performers... Cheerz guyz.....

Hope.... The Elixir Of Life

Just wrote this today morning. I guess it sounds a bit hopeful.

Hope - The Elixir of Life....

Just one of the days Im feeling low
Not knowing what else i do not know
Seems im straying away as i had lost track of my life
Besieged by ire, haplessness, sloth, dissent and strife

When evey hope I carried seems to fade away,
The roads i've tread seems so far away
While everything thatz me is totally retarded
And all your distant dreams have fatally departed

I kept staring at the dark and infinite sky
Asking the glimmering stars as to why ?
Why was I not the chosen one ??
Why should I die as yet another one ???

Why isn't truth always the triumphant one ?
Why is this life so mean and nasty than fun ??
Is it so that the happiness is a perception of life
I guess its a deception thatz so shoddy & naive

Yet therez something in me that cries so foul,
And says dreams cannot die, be doomed to furl.
They transform and haunt you for all your days
Till you come to terms with your ways but never frays.

For they are the elixir of every lives in the world
full of hopes like those stories as a kid you were told.
The Beauty of life that I can now see
For i guess i've got new wings up to flee

Dreams so many that have sprung like a tree
The fight is on for I must to be free
I shall not give up for i stand reformed
From dreams to reality Now i hope to be transformed

Remember Hope is what that springs into life
and makes it a journey so exciting to ride
Worry not for you have miles to go before you sleep
For there is no time to whine and weep.

The End Game Begins !!!

Looks like im upto a wild goose chase these days, while i've been crying about the vile deeds of ppl all these days without realizing the fact that im doing nothing to do to be change the change i wish to see. Now it all has come to a standstill as i've been roped in literally from nowhere to accept the challenge and im very much excited except for the fact that the task that has been given is comparable to nothing less than to move a mountain with the teaspoon.

I had to agree for the fact that i could've intervened to conspire to move it a stone a day months before. While i could afford to comfortably blame the top echlons and their buddies buttressing them, i'd also like to think this as my failiure to change things, while the reason could've been many i still had been watching this all the while drifting away. I realize i must've been very selfish all the while. Neglecting as if these aren't my job and even if had to intervene i was constantly demotivated with all the words that they had used to describe my performance last year. But I shouldn't have let this happen though this was not at all in my purview.

Had a hour long brawl with the VGP man after having written him a looong mail accusing him of whatever i felt he did. But had felt very much remorseful later as i thought i was barking up the wrong tree and i was a overacting a bit harsh aloft emotially. Also that there is very little he could do to change himself and that i had been quite and let things happen this way all these years and that this has come to this stage.

Coming back to the challenge, we've been consistently failing as a team and i dont want to blame anyone for that. When we fail collectively as a team we should take the blame all by ourselves though its only few of us who have been tagged with  responsibilities and we've lost track of the target looong ago. But now this had come back so strong to haunt us.

While we were almost certain that we'll slip from our committment for another time, our VGP man has been asked to lie low and reigns have been shifted (or rather withdrawn) by the top man and he want to steer the ship as we were still searching for the target. Just when the target seems nowhere at sign, we've been asked to steer in full throttle with a new navigator and all of us have been assigned with new (rather) roles and we had to hit the ground in less than 10days. Which although seems impossible, i though why not ??

While the Top man only tries to conjure\ season us for the uphill task with all his superfluous elating words i was thinking why shouldn't i buy these... Why shouldn't i take some motivation from his words for afterall this is what we've been lacking all the while, and especiall when the organization need you to fire and its that only you could help why should you be shying away. I've decided to grab the challenge with both my hands. Hope this entails in rebuilding the lost me.

I hope that i'll motivate others more than i've been motivated. Hoping things would fall in place somehow though all that we've  planned have been falling apart. I wish to put up a brave fight without wanting to loose the war. I'd like to fight with all my spirits and the few men we have to battle it out the hard way. Lets hope to win !!! though i guess the end game has already begun...

Shall update all you guyz before the end of the month which is when the climax is most likely to occur. Sorry for musing on my work part again.... its been the most happening part of my life these days. Will come back soon.

What am i now from what i was once - A Self-Intorspection - Musings

I came home this evening letting out a wild outcry not knowing what to do. I feel like the time-out is running fast as my life goes on. I have so many things to do, I keep so many things in my mind and feeling like im running out of space, I have so many things to follow that I couldn’t even keep the trace of. Everything seems to be too much for me nowadays…

This state of fear fused with frail had posed me this introspection. What am I now from what I was a while before… A while ??? I think that while to me is from the serene days I had evolved rapidly during my college days. Those were the times I was consistently competing with my own limits. I had been able to do lot of things other than studying. Its not just that the projects (a lot) that I had worked and lent my hand that gave me the confidence to face the world, its that I had felt complete as a man. I had answers for my own questions (I was able to answer them). I felt like I was versatile enough to handle things (which turned out to be something the industries dislike. They need only performers not all-rounders is what they prefer to call it).

Now that being consistently underperforming and lowering my bar from time to time. Every milestone in my life seems far away fading inside my dreams (not so i had dreamt of). I had decided back then to work for atleast five years or so before i start in pursuit of my dream not as a kind of breather but just as some time to gain some positives Viz., mental, financial, knowledge, Experience (both in life & work which is why i prefered to stay with friends instead of staying with relatives), Vision, Information and lot more.... But it all turned out be lack of all of them and instead i gained alot of others Viz., weight (a lot of them losing my fitness levels wonder if i can call it that), introversion, lack of self-confidence and what not...

These i feel are only as a result of projecting yourself as an ill-performer doing mean things. Not being fed with right input to crunch for my brain is one thing and adding to that is my lacklustre life. I've been completely out of my mind doing whatever i feel im getting pleasure from. Resting my body, reading pot-boilers, straying out of my sane lifestyle, literally living an erroneous life...

However its completely wrong to blame my life @ work, work ethics or people around me for what i am and for what i am not. They are simply the way i wanted. If i can think of some positives its so sad that there are none to boost my confidence to the extent i can feel my fingers shaking whenever i try doing something challenging myself. My mind is completely working in curtailed space a kind of safe-mode just before destruction.

I hope to comeback from this state of mind / fear to the world where everything makes sense to me. I was often characterized by ppl referring to me everything they feel problamatic for i had solutions for most of them. I had once been an a salient person, prominent in the backyards of my department in college. i was accustomed to such a state of living. Now that being no one in a large cauldron i feel like im losing myself not having enough things or not being fed enough to crunch. However best i tried to indulge myself to keep myself busy i failed the harder making me still lowering my bars.

I hope to change my ill-fortune. I hope to bounce back to my life again, getting back to road after a wayward behaviour. I hope to make sense to mystelf and to others. I hope, i hope.... As Andy dufranse says in Shawshank Redemption, "Remember Hope is a good thing". And here i hope to become a man again still beliving things would turn up for me.

I was thinking about everything, writing about whatever comes to my mind, reflecting deeply on every nuances of life, creating whatever i thought, doing whatever i liked at some point of time i felt like im all set to conquer the world. But atlast the annhilation led me nowhere. Now, Im stuck with myself. The way i kept laughing others for their state of helplessness. I've become one myself. Now i think i shall show them how to comeback in life just as my dada did time after time. It may look like a fairytale but that is how winners work. That is how winning is done.

This reminds me of the Stallone's dialogue in his Rocky balboa -08. Something which i feel like my father or even my grandpa (if alive) would've told the same. These are the times i really miss my grandpa who really made me who iam literally from nowhere...

I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.

I think this introspection gave me a lot of postives to think about. And much importantly to vent out my negatives, to speak my heart out to see if mean something. I also request readers (if you care) to give me feedback on the same. I think i've mused enough again.

Best wishes to all u guyz for a Prosperous new year !! Hope this year and the years to come would bring us what we deserved and if one doors opens to another door lets close not our hope as we keep on walking till we find another window... But more than anything my wish for you all is that this life becomes all that you want it to be and your dreams stay big, you never need to carry more than what you can hold and i hope u all know somebody loves you and you love others.. Godspeed

Can't balance life without work - Musings - Twister off a brief Vacation

I think it has been quite a bit of time since I posted my last blog. I would be lying had I told I’ve been a bit busy as usual. And ain’t that short of some stuff either to ponder. The fact is that I had a lot of things I had to share. Except that im suffering from extended procrastination for quite a period of time. Which explains why I keep deferring posting my desultory musings.

Now after a brief vacation (off from the pandemonistic life) hoping that I’d come back refreshed, inturn ended up in a total turmoil. Feeling restless, regret and pain. (Why is it so ??, not that I know !!!) which is why I’ve decided to ease myself musing out. So please bother not if I do sound insane (as usual).

The sudden surge of happenings since then had perturbed me and left me gasping for breath. It’s not that I’m up to an wild-ghost ride. It’s just that I had been so institutionalized within my surroundings for a while (for which I had been turning down even the thought of shifting my job). Now that things are beginning to change it seems life has started to knock me off my balance. I ain’t afraid of it as I hope that it could at least help in stirring the dormant underdog in me.

I feel like im often straying off my limits (lower) to the extent that I have never been thought before. They say when you are performing at your limits you should be happy for yourself. Because that is where you want to be…. Nah thatz the upper limit (well it seems im dwelling too much into the issue lemme make it straight)

I think its high time I had to scramble myself to rise up not for any occasion as such but to lift my spirits atleast. It seems too much for myself now to rest upon my extinct laurels, something I can only reminisce now. Im looking for one such occasion though I know its absolute stupidity to wait for an occasion to rise upon to chase your dreams. Somehow I can’t help myself from this state of informed pessimism (or whatever pshycs call it) as it had ran all down to my spine vilifying me. I think I need a voltage potential like a fully dried battery to bounce back into action. Which exactly Is what im looking for. And im too tired of looking for it every now and then all these years hoping this would end my profound slothfulness.

Cross Roads, Poem by Robert Frost and Self-contemplation... Musings

How many times in our life we remember the poem by Robert Frost we first read in school.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Today is one such day again in my life. I was offered a permanent position with one of a company that has its HQ's in England. The place in question being Scotland - Dunde. I've never been there earlier (never been anywhere for that matter) So strange that this reminds me only of the cross-roads the Robert Frost's words....

Ofcourse i've negated myself against the temptation i had to grab the offer (u blame it on my lethargy or my inability). Everytime i put myself through the through question while self-contemplating, the answer is evident. I cannot move my ass from here...

May be im getting institutionalized... heading-off for the same job guess not much has changed, the same life and same routines. Maybe I'll be alone here as well. Everyday I will hear someone say "Yaar yahan life bekar hai" (Buddy ,life in India is no good)

Everyday I'll see social networking profiles of Indians with Pics with the background of Opera house,Eiffel Tower,Statue of Liberty and Niagra Falls with the caption " Me Chilling @ .....".

But for some reason that I can't put to words I say No not even to the thought of it. Maybe I love things as they are, maybe I love being here, may me im not adept enough, Maybe the Economy is booming.. Maybe the India is the best place to be at this moment..

Elevator ???

Ever wondered why everything in life is got to be a struggle. I mean are there people for whom everything is a breeze ? If so have you wondered in which planet these people live in and why we are never one of them. I mean it would not kill us to have things done real easy once in a while , don’t you think ?

Should everything be a fight ensued by jitters wondering what the outcome is going to be, if we are going to succeed in whatever our attempt maybe. Should every
step we take on any front be necessarily an anxiety-causing one? Should the devil who whispers constantly in our ears “You might fail you know” with an exceedingly satisfied and smug look on his face always travel with us?

Why should there be steps in the first place? why cant we have elevators that just carry us to where we want ???

So Steps or Elevators guys ???????

Who am I ???

I am, but a shattered dream
A scratched wound
A lost hope for some
Life for another
I am a prayer in silence
A cry in despair
I am a painful memory
An unfulfilled wish

I am, but a longing for love
A confession of feelings
A petal in some book of past
A budding flower of spring
A dried leaf floating aloof
Going where breeze takes it

I am, but an admiration
In the eyes of a loved one
A disturbed thought
In the mind of some person
A truth in disguise
A secret kept in the vault of the heart
A smile on the lips of a woman…

I am... merely a thought!

My encounter with music....

Some of the tortures my mother put me through in the tender years of my life were Hindi and Music classes. But it was music that I loathed learning the most.

My folks brought home this carnatic singer cum violinist whom my dad endorsed after year long consultations with his fellows whoz kids were put to test as well. Finally one vijayadasami day this man came home. Initially i was very reluctant to join my bro and my twin sister who were very eager to start their formal course. As they were looking forward to it. I was asked to join them by force. Though i actually thought i would be only an hindrance in their pursuit for knowledge they took me wrong and wanted me to join them. However another reason for this is that this would hamper the only free time i had for doing my so called research (those who knew my childhood advendures would exactly know what am i talking of )

And so began my encounters with the 7 swaras at a tender age! There I sat in my shorts, cross-legged before this man who seemed hippy-like compared to my 4 feet height ! Shaven, shoulder length oil dripping hair bawled in front, a red beetle nut coated tongue and wearing a filthy white shirt, he resembled a gardener more than a guru. Before I could make more assessments regarding his appearance, he made a huge slap to his thigh in sync with his harmonium and crooned "Saaa, paaa, sollu paakalam"

And the smart-ass that I was,asked, pointing to his thigh - "Apdi adikanuma ?" (Well come on at that age, I was ignorant of the very existance of the concept of taalam!) He let out a guffaw and said - "Aama thambi" ! I looked back at my mother who gave me a Do-what-he-asks-you-to look. So started my encounter with singing while the other two smarties made remarkable progress in days i was seriously clambering raga to raga such began my saga... Especially when my brother accompanys my sisters harmonica with his violin, they ask me to sing the geethams in sync (Yes i've completed singing those swara varisais so called sarali varisais, janta varisais and so on...) Gosh its hard to cope up with.

It all was very hard for me.. suddenly i had no time to do my homeworks (yes, i'll always do them in the morn in the hurry-burry time after playing all evening. Something which i enjoyed than my brother who always used to study) More harder are the days he comes in the evening... He'll be having so much time to censure. i became very much frustrated. Somehow i've completed those geethams and graduated to sing varnams while the other two were singing keethanaas by now.. I stare at them when they laugh while i still struggle to sing varnams. Every class from then onwards, I was taken dutifully by my mother coaxed and cajoled in the false hope that, it would be my last class. Somehow the kind soul thought he would elevate my spirits by teaching me some keerthanas so that i could stand with them. Then he realized what a mistake it was.... Yes i made him realize that very day...

Irritated with this he had decided to talk to my dad in his office. While my dad could'nt take this. how can my son be such a moron ??? And then they've decided to fix a day especially for me to review my progress. Finally the D-Day comes as he began testing the things i've learnt so far, began the test of my time. He asked me to stick to the kaalam (Tempo) which i could hardly cope with (shruthi as well). He grew impatient as he kept telling this no. of times. And then left-out a loud cry "Theruvila Naay aadu maadu laam thaan oodum nee yenna naaya??? soldrathu puriyala... motham abashwaram" (its only the dogs, cows, and goats that runs in roads... are you a dog ??? can't you understand what im saying. Fully out of swaram) Tears were ready to fall from my eyes... but i didn't let them ( I've never cried so mean. Not even during when they sent in four c-like injections to my spine marrow during my dingue illness. Believe me i was the first to be alive in my home town as the disease hit our town).

Sensing this he felt uneasy and claimed some excuse as if he had a class somewhere. Drunk his Coffe as usual with his BP tablet. Just when he was on his way out nearing the gate i blasted out... cried-out loud saying "Pooda Vazhukka manda.... Naan appudithaanda paaduven" (hey bawled head... i'll sing like that only....) All of them were shocked hearing this. My dad was awestruck. Couldn't digest his son saying those words... Slowly I turned waiting for the repercussion of my act of bravery... But he left the gate and plied in his dabba car as usual as if he haven't heard anything ( i still think hez half-deaf) or hez undeterred as i thought he obviously must've seen so many seens like this....

But it all was understandable. from the next class i was not asked to sit with them, neither he asked why im not joining.... and they asked me to do namaskaarams for him after that... such ended my encounter with the classical music.

But since then i began listening to music verymuch, practicing all the geethams, varnams and keethanaiz... i began learning every keerthanais my bro and sis learns from him... i'll sing with them while they do the sadagam daily... Learnt quite a bit of Keyboard and violin to an extent i can play keerthanais. But when he comes for his class.. i'll abscond, hiding myself in my room keeping myself busy with those experiments :)

Today, I'm so grateful to those days, for instilling such a deeply rooted love for music. Now i love music in every form. listen to lot of carnatic musics across genre. Hear Hinustani, Pop, Rap, Rock, and what not... May be they've missed the big picture constraining themselves to virtual boundaries of carnatic music. For the world out there is so colorful.

WOW What a Ride...

Maybe this explains why i always drive at an average of 80's.......

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming – 'WOW-- What a Ride!'" - Anonymous

Are you an Evangelist ?

When someone asked me if I was an evangelist back then during my school days, my pathetic vocabulary skills proudly returned a null. I stared back with a quizzical look on my face. An evangelist is a person who passionately pursues what he likes the most, or simply a person who spreads joy.

There I stood, with the world spinning around me, introspecting whether my presence made any significant changes or was I just another being who meant nothing to the ones around him ? I've always believed and sworn to the fact that the world will show you its beautiful backside if you are the snobbish, moody, every-sighing soul.

Are you the types who lead a mundane, moribund, mechanical life doing things that you wished you could change/alter ? Do you go to your workplace/college/school every morning wondering -"Why the hell am I here?" But then have you ever thought of it this way ? People who see that ugly constipated contorted look on your face every morning, tend to lose their little spark of enthusiasm that they had preciously obtained after an introspection like mine? ;) Negative aura spreads quickly, but positive thoughts are more infectious.

Go back to that point of time in your life when we wanted to become astronauts, pilots, soldiers, superheroes, painters and even poets!! Where did all that enthusiasm go ? Are we afraid of people who snicker at our dreams ? Disappointments and fear flourish in our heart & minds.

Yes, I am an evangelist! Of course I do have my mood-swings, hard days and downfalls, but then who doesn't?

Go enroll for those arts classes, eat those extra pieces of chocolate, find time to talk, enjoy the sunshine, listen to some soul-enriching music, read a good word, feel good about yourself!

And please burn your to-do lists. :D

Am I more special than you ? Yes, because I've found my cause !

Nostalgia !!! Gone are the days Will they ever come back....

At times i wonder if i could live atleast a minute of those days... How precious they are now... all we have is the memories of those days which atleast fills our thoughts.

Gone are the days, but not the memories.

Gone are the days
When the school reopened in June, and we settled in our dusty desks and chairs.

Gone are the days
When we queued up in the book depot, and got our new books and notebooks.

Gone are the days
When we chased one another in the corridors during Interval, and rushed back before the next class commenced.

Gone are the days
When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors, playgrounds, under the trees and the unforgettable canteens.

Gone are the days
When a single Games period in the week's Time Table, was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons.

Gone are the days
Of Sports Day, and the annual School Day, and the one-month long preparations for them.

Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly, Half Yearly and Annual Exams, and the most enjoyed holidays following them.

Gone are the days
Of fights but no conspiracies, Of Competitions but seldom jealousy.

we enjoyed, we played, we won, we lost, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we thought (We learnt ???)

Gone are the days, but not the memories, of our most cherished school days which will linger in our hearts for ever and ever.