Monday, May 11, 2009

Pasted Smiles -of lives of abject despair

Many a times, everyone of us would encounter a situation in life where he/she moves around with what I would call as "pasted smiles". It’s a scenario where you know are feeling something within; and at the same time your ego doesn’t allow you to express what you feel within. At that point of time, even if you are so much overwhelmed by emotion that you would want to let out a wild outcry, what is seen on you is a smile on your face, which is completely artificial. You laugh around when there are tears flowing uncontrollably within you. You joke around when the only thing that you want is a period of solitude where you can get rid of your pains and tears. Its one of the trickiest scenarios in life. This situation of duality within you creates a whole lot of trouble within you; and makes your life extremely miserable – so much so that you ask that question to yourself; whether you deserve to go through all of these. Being in pain is one thing; but living through it as if it doesn’t exist is an entirely different cup of tea.

These "pasted smiles" phenomenon is what i am encountering often in my life all too often these days; too much for my comfort. Be it when I talk to my boss or when I converse with the security at my flatts, when I talk to relatives, strangers... It goes on.. Only that I feel that the reaction differs from person to situations. But its all the same, more reactive than expressing what I actually feel. The more I try to run away from it, it hits me at a much rapid pace that I am completely taken aback. There is an element of helplessness within me these days; which makes me get a resigned attitude though I believe I had come to terms with it as just another part of life.

At times I wounder have I forgotten to have what is called as a genuine laugh in life? Have I forgotten what it is to enjoy my life? I guess its becoming all too mechanical these days. The sense of being cynical is quickly catching up with me. Its come to an extent where I would be surprised when something good happens with me. Maybe that’s the best indicator that I am not traveling in the right direction in life. Its becoming increasingly aimless these days; its as if I am allowing myself to drift along with the strong strident waves of a rampant river. I am now struggling to give resistance to the bad things that happens within me; moreover I am starting to take it as the norm.

Its not that I am reluctant to change. But irrespective all my efforts to change the way I am, nothing seems to change. Its really troublesome; its really painful. Unfortunately I don’t find a way out. Is it that destiny has consigned me to live a life of despair riddled with pasted smiles all over? Don’t worry rest of the word; I am still smiling – even if its not exactly what I want to do at this point of time. I guess that’s what destiny has in stor for me – life of abject despair…

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