Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The con in the Corporate world...

I guess there must be a con like me in every corporate company in India... Im the guy who strangely enjoys the warmth and the wrath of the austere and utter places in life.
I kind of feel the urchin in me is long gone. Its kinda strange and funny what life can do to you when you let people to play in your life. I can only keep reciting the words of balboa that that world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. Its a mean and nasty place and will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.
5 Years almost. God when you say like that, you wonder when it went. Guess i am trapped-in so deep into the cobwebs of the world around me.  I have only myself to blame for the desultruous and slothful state iam in.
well i actually wanted to start this as a funny one to post about the state of my slothful lifestye and about the fellow con's around me.
Like the red says when he talks about brooks emotions in the film S.Redemption
These walls are really funny,  though you are virtually trapped in the blockades and figments of your own imagination, its like a quicksand. When you think things will be just fine one things goes wrong and another..... and another...... and another..... and that is when you think its all over for you and the spirit in you goes dim and takes the sheen out of the glory in all the work we do.
IT feels like you are getting happless as times go by... like the ash that flies away. Red says these walls, first you hate them and you get used to them. As enough time passes by you get so you depend on them. Thatz institutionalized. Having trapped here for life thatz exactly what they take away. Part that counts anyway...  Thats the way I feel.
Its like a walkway where you know you could run past sprinting ahead of everyone but are only blocked by these slowly moving asses around. Like the calf in the cattle. First for a while its really hard to control when it runs amok but as time goes by, it gets matured along with his big cows and gets institutionalized with its surroundings. It goes rather impassive and learns not-to-give-a-damn-shit whatever happens. The same reason as to why the calf of the pachyderms even are tied with small chains... 
This is the state of me and the fellow con's around me. They come here shining so bright radiating the spirit enlightening the place around and giving hope to everyone. But as days go by the shimmering light gives away all the feeble flame that it inherited and over time the once running stream gets coagulated with the shits blocking around which finds it very difficult to overcome.
But Some birds are never to be caged. They simply fly from one to another or rather re-orient themselves to different priorities. And most do enjoy the warmth in the desultorous (is thr a word like that ??) state lost in the madness burying their dreams feared of everything that could rock them from the rather ensconced position and slothful life. The world would seem so doomed to them. Not knowing the outside world and the pace with which its moving. Where new things set-in so rapidly.
But there are really some who gets all the breaks. Who balances well between shitting around and simultaneously soaring around among the shitters. But the irony is that you can't loose the real you to become that some. God.. wheny you see those wry smile around their face (Wryly smiling wily foxes), full of facades, selfish lives, odd demeanour, Faking friendships, hiding stymies and yet pretending and portraying and canonizing themselves as if like a saint. Gosh it feels like even hell would be a better place to live-in.
This is the only motivation urging you to move-on. Like the boy in the cohleo's Alchemist goes on in search of his dream, his destiny ignoring all the worldly comforts of the world. I guess the destiny is the place that you may never reach to. But one should always march towards his destiny in every walks of his life. His work, pastimes, play everything should only be related to his ultimate destiny. The place he may never reach to.
Having ended up here in itself is a rather unfortunate, awkward, inextricable and odd predicament. But whenever the unfortunate ones tries to slog around with-in his given boundaries hoping to be counted only finds himself being counted-out for being rather uninteresting i guess... Only those who flaunt their flamboyance, absurdity and selfishness are the ones who gets all the breaks. Then comes rather different breed the meek, faking, approbative and pro 'sombus'. One rather should end-up being in company of one or other.
I'd never get bemused a bit with all these wily acts for sheer success (in their own terms). For I know deep down inside me that who I am and what am I made of. No one can take from you what you have it in you. But I certainly feel for those (and myself at times) having wasting our times here still hoping to change things around, to be fair and sincere to everyone. I'd always luk for my passions to stay thirsty even if they doesn't matter anymore. Because here's where it makes the most sense. you need it so you dont forget. forget that there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone. there's something inside that they can't get to. that they can't touch. That's yours... Thatz Hope....
I am really hopeful that i'll find the light of the day someday or other for hope is the spirit that never dies and keeps burning with-in. Now its only for the time to tell what it has in store for each one of us. But the days gone by will never return and would remain one of the hardest and longest lesson learnt in our lives.
So herez me ending the post again on a hopeful note though being surrounded by deep shit. One at this stage can have either of the attitudes. To stay positive and hopeful that things would change for the better and work for it or rather call it quits and save the rest of the years from going up in ashes and get back to chasing the dreams or whatever we had been longing for all the while.
Success they say is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far ;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
I QUIT.....
For I shall get back to my ways after long days of hibernation. And Success is defined only as
To laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons
and the affection of children;
To earn the approval of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends ;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give off one's self without the
slightest thought of return;
To have accomplished a task, whether
by a healthy child, a rescued soul, a
garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with
Enthusiasm and sung with exaltation;
To know that even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.
Have a great day guyz....... And thanks for the read...


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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Home Alone - Lost in Solitude - Adieu to Murali...

Lying alone on my makeshift mattress like a 'Lonely Cat' i was wondering how long am i going to see the ceiling... must've been an hour atleast. And my eyes are full of tears.. (yeah... I cried after many long days....) the chill that i can feel as i see the fan that as it kept rotating incessantly kinda deported me to those good old days... The days gone by like a flash..

Must've been more than 4 and half years now... They say life flies like an arrow.. It went indeed very swiftly. we never had time to look back and i never knew we like each other so much that we would definitely feel for ourselves...

I was crying like the way i used to (with the same gasps for breath) when my grandpa used to leave me whenever he comes for the annual leave or during those few occasions. The long days we would spend time together. Roaming the street bazaars, introspecting and reflecting on each others thoughts, the advices he used to give, the foolishly ruthless stare he used to cast upon me to show his reprobation on my fallacious deeds, and how I’d neutralize him by striking the flesh under his ear and watch it dance back and forth and at times climb on his back to rock his bald head... The nights i used to sleep embracing him feeling his heart beat on the wet towel he daily used to sleep with on the floor. 

I kinda remember all that now... The kind of eerie feeling that I get when he leaves me alone (though with my parents)... No one would be so important to me... I had not talked sense to anyone at times even for a week or more until his letters come. There are days he left without uttering a word to me when I’m out to school, ground or asleep fearing I’d make a scene and equally tough for him to leave with a heavy heart. Such is the bonding we shared.

I got all of that back after so many years now... I did not even felt this way when I left to Chennai for work from my home. I decidedly wanted to stay alone with friends than the host of relatives who are even nearby to my workplace and ofcourse did welcome me (though some hesitantly and some for the sake of....) I always wanted to make new friends. My dad though was so hesitant later approved when he saw me i got a few of them who joined along with me.

It was outright fun from start. We had no restrictions, no boundaries, no one to complain, no one to grumble, scolder, reprimand or even to appreciate and feel good for. We were four of us. Vijay, Sundar, Murali and myself. The first one left a bit early (after 2yrs) the next a bit less than a year ago and the third one today. 

This post is mainly dedicated to the one that stood with me till the last. To tell him how I actually felt though I may not actually say it. This is what I felt from inside though i never voiced out my emotions. I did not wanted him to leave with heavy heart like me and mainly because afterall how long would he be able to stay with me. Perhaps this is why they insist one should get married. It makes a bit sense now that when you are alone you need someone atleast to talk to. Parents cannot last that long in your journey of life. But let me reiterate that I can live with this for after all I’ve been living lonely for years without my dearly one...

I just wanted to document our journey together in life. The few years we spent together had really taught me what friendship really is and what it really isn't

Murali and I had shared so much for so long that we even know what to eat and where... We talk so much about so many things... Him a movie maniac who turned out to be a scientist. And me a self-proclaimed maniac turned moron so retarded that i can only keep saying everything suffixing back then during the days of.....

I mean we both are so different personalities with different character, ambitions, mindset and everything barring a few. He an avid listener of music across all genres the only one who withstood my tortures in the name of classical music. Inquisitive, humble, simplistic and self-opined though he asks a host of questions about each and everything, i guess he has this power of remembrance that he could even recognize the patterns in persons, the day everything had happened and if it was cloudy on that day.

We have argued so much about so many things all these days... I never felt i'd rather be this emotional when he leave.. 

Its actually a misery that me being the last one left to lurch on this godforsaken doom that frustrates me. I look around.. the TV which we all bought together(Though i oddly watched it except for those IPL matches my pals enjoyed it the most which is why they vetoed me when was fighting lonely amongst the maniacs letting out a feeble cry to buy something useful). The room we spent our night talking along incessantly for hours at times even till 2am (Certainly guys we are not gays). The shelf that is empty which used to be so tidy below mine which would be so awkward and full of rubbish. The PC that we so avidly used to watch movies search about anything vagabonding from one to other as mind goes by. 

I guess we had spent so much time together in a few years than my home. Never been so attached to being in a surrounding for so long. But i now kind of feel like it has all gone away in a flash. I never realized that this is coming. Not even all these days he told me that he had to leave. But the moment he left from here i got that feeling (DéjàVu). The heaviness in my heart that I’m alone at the home where we spent all these unfruitful days of mine together. 

I took him home one day where my mom had complained about my reclusive behavior. He tried to negate that by saying how i actually feel. Since then my parents used to tell me that 'he aint a gud boy.. don’t stay with him'. I can now tell them he is no longer with me and that your gud boy will stay unadulterated.

It all started the day we both had signed the agreement papers with our house owners. It is quite evident that we took the initiative... Quite natural for our character. We both had signed the bond while other two stood witness to it. Since then we used to call ourselves as House Owners... Wonder if the term still means anything. I still remember him only as HO. The term we used to bully the other room-mates as the counter plans they made were pathetically flawed.

I guess I should find it now.. Search it somewhere... (We lost it the same month). It is the symbol of the friendship. I regard that as the agreement that actually bonded us together. It may seem like an odd possibility but in fact it really is.....

Well I’d better finish it here than to get emotional again... 

I never thought I’d be so childish in expecting people to be with forever. It took some time for me to come to terms since my grandpa had left I guess this should take much lesser than that. But I think its good to let some hurt come in so that you would atleast try to end the prolonged procrastination and would search for life that is so vibrant, energetic, challenging, fortunate and equally fruitful.

Life is a journey, and we are not-so-tempestuous travelers of time who met on a juncture\causeway and happened to tread along for years together. The day has come that we are at cross-roads and we had to take the bend to walk through the pathway of life, not knowing what lies ahead. Destiny is never a choice for people who pass-by. We might meet again on another bend for the world is round and even if not I wish him all the best on all the walks of his life. And would like to reiterate few words from our favorite band the rascal flatts - My Wish....

"My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish"

Wish him best of luck on his love to succeed as well... Cheers Mate....