Thursday, March 11, 2010
Home Alone - Lost in Solitude - Adieu to Murali...
Lying alone on my makeshift mattress like a 'Lonely Cat' i was wondering how long am i going to see the ceiling... must've been an hour atleast. And my eyes are full of tears.. (yeah... I cried after many long days....) the chill that i can feel as i see the fan that as it kept rotating incessantly kinda deported me to those good old days... The days gone by like a flash..
Must've been more than 4 and half years now... They say life flies like an arrow.. It went indeed very swiftly. we never had time to look back and i never knew we like each other so much that we would definitely feel for ourselves...
I was crying like the way i used to (with the same gasps for breath) when my grandpa used to leave me whenever he comes for the annual leave or during those few occasions. The long days we would spend time together. Roaming the street bazaars, introspecting and reflecting on each others thoughts, the advices he used to give, the foolishly ruthless stare he used to cast upon me to show his reprobation on my fallacious deeds, and how I’d neutralize him by striking the flesh under his ear and watch it dance back and forth and at times climb on his back to rock his bald head... The nights i used to sleep embracing him feeling his heart beat on the wet towel he daily used to sleep with on the floor.
I kinda remember all that now... The kind of eerie feeling that I get when he leaves me alone (though with my parents)... No one would be so important to me... I had not talked sense to anyone at times even for a week or more until his letters come. There are days he left without uttering a word to me when I’m out to school, ground or asleep fearing I’d make a scene and equally tough for him to leave with a heavy heart. Such is the bonding we shared.
I got all of that back after so many years now... I did not even felt this way when I left to Chennai for work from my home. I decidedly wanted to stay alone with friends than the host of relatives who are even nearby to my workplace and ofcourse did welcome me (though some hesitantly and some for the sake of....) I always wanted to make new friends. My dad though was so hesitant later approved when he saw me i got a few of them who joined along with me.
It was outright fun from start. We had no restrictions, no boundaries, no one to complain, no one to grumble, scolder, reprimand or even to appreciate and feel good for. We were four of us. Vijay, Sundar, Murali and myself. The first one left a bit early (after 2yrs) the next a bit less than a year ago and the third one today.
This post is mainly dedicated to the one that stood with me till the last. To tell him how I actually felt though I may not actually say it. This is what I felt from inside though i never voiced out my emotions. I did not wanted him to leave with heavy heart like me and mainly because afterall how long would he be able to stay with me. Perhaps this is why they insist one should get married. It makes a bit sense now that when you are alone you need someone atleast to talk to. Parents cannot last that long in your journey of life. But let me reiterate that I can live with this for after all I’ve been living lonely for years without my dearly one...
I just wanted to document our journey together in life. The few years we spent together had really taught me what friendship really is and what it really isn't
Murali and I had shared so much for so long that we even know what to eat and where... We talk so much about so many things... Him a movie maniac who turned out to be a scientist. And me a self-proclaimed maniac turned moron so retarded that i can only keep saying everything suffixing back then during the days of.....
I mean we both are so different personalities with different character, ambitions, mindset and everything barring a few. He an avid listener of music across all genres the only one who withstood my tortures in the name of classical music. Inquisitive, humble, simplistic and self-opined though he asks a host of questions about each and everything, i guess he has this power of remembrance that he could even recognize the patterns in persons, the day everything had happened and if it was cloudy on that day.
We have argued so much about so many things all these days... I never felt i'd rather be this emotional when he leave..
Its actually a misery that me being the last one left to lurch on this godforsaken doom that frustrates me. I look around.. the TV which we all bought together(Though i oddly watched it except for those IPL matches my pals enjoyed it the most which is why they vetoed me when was fighting lonely amongst the maniacs letting out a feeble cry to buy something useful). The room we spent our night talking along incessantly for hours at times even till 2am (Certainly guys we are not gays). The shelf that is empty which used to be so tidy below mine which would be so awkward and full of rubbish. The PC that we so avidly used to watch movies search about anything vagabonding from one to other as mind goes by.
I guess we had spent so much time together in a few years than my home. Never been so attached to being in a surrounding for so long. But i now kind of feel like it has all gone away in a flash. I never realized that this is coming. Not even all these days he told me that he had to leave. But the moment he left from here i got that feeling (DéjàVu). The heaviness in my heart that I’m alone at the home where we spent all these unfruitful days of mine together.
I took him home one day where my mom had complained about my reclusive behavior. He tried to negate that by saying how i actually feel. Since then my parents used to tell me that 'he aint a gud boy.. don’t stay with him'. I can now tell them he is no longer with me and that your gud boy will stay unadulterated.
It all started the day we both had signed the agreement papers with our house owners. It is quite evident that we took the initiative... Quite natural for our character. We both had signed the bond while other two stood witness to it. Since then we used to call ourselves as House Owners... Wonder if the term still means anything. I still remember him only as HO. The term we used to bully the other room-mates as the counter plans they made were pathetically flawed.
I guess I should find it now.. Search it somewhere... (We lost it the same month). It is the symbol of the friendship. I regard that as the agreement that actually bonded us together. It may seem like an odd possibility but in fact it really is.....
Well I’d better finish it here than to get emotional again...
I never thought I’d be so childish in expecting people to be with forever. It took some time for me to come to terms since my grandpa had left I guess this should take much lesser than that. But I think its good to let some hurt come in so that you would atleast try to end the prolonged procrastination and would search for life that is so vibrant, energetic, challenging, fortunate and equally fruitful.
Life is a journey, and we are not-so-tempestuous travelers of time who met on a juncture\causeway and happened to tread along for years together. The day has come that we are at cross-roads and we had to take the bend to walk through the pathway of life, not knowing what lies ahead. Destiny is never a choice for people who pass-by. We might meet again on another bend for the world is round and even if not I wish him all the best on all the walks of his life. And would like to reiterate few words from our favorite band the rascal flatts - My Wish....
"My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish"
Wish him best of luck on his love to succeed as well... Cheers Mate....