LIFE... THE GREATEST PREDATOR OF MANKIND

Three more days is all I have.

Here I am languishing like a brat.. in full of deplorable and inexorable state..

Guess i've made a huge mess out of myself... For I had the choices with-in me aplenty paying a big tribute to my slothful life

All my dreams have gone so huge as they now look staggeringly unsurmountable... Like the way these twenty-twenty matches happens at times when the asking rate goes on rather disarrayed multitudes that are so improbable to score even given that all the legal deliveries are scored for a maximum...

Not that I haven't seen it coming. I've been trying to ward off the perilous happening all the while. The only way I could've done that is by showing some real acrion which I gravely lacked.

Having all but no chance to stop the inevitable from happening. I've got to give-in to the life's demand driven by social ire...

Yep... Three days is all I have before my life draws close to the world of my dreams, delusions rather tumultuous and designed to fail.

Hope I could do with the changes all of which set to follow for I had to change course and steer through from the insipid, placid lake to a place of high current. It could be the wild roaring river from a waterfall or rather be the infinite ocean's pulsating waves.

Life can take you to places it wishes to if you let it drive on its own after getting carried away with all those delusions. For I have absolutely no HOPE whatsoever now of getting anywhere than an ordinary man can get to.

To all those fortunate souls out there, I the hapless soul, slothy SOAB hereby concede my DEFEAT to LIFE... THE GREATEST PREDATOR OF MANKIND....

Life is a Battle field....

Not that I belong there anymore... It seems mid-life crisis is fast catching up.. So much.. So early... Life is not a pleasant ride anymore.. not that I wanted it to be for I always preferred to ride the tide than to watch the calm picturesque sea in solitude... 

But, life seems fast fading away.. with everyday wrapping up to another brutal, grueling day of exhaustion, experience reminding me of my way cast away from all that i've dreamt in more than one dimensions... May be I dont have it in me anymore (not that I had it ever, may be its just me..)

Trying hard tumultuously to find ways of sobering up and having ended up again and again where it all started... hoping dismally the days of misery will shomehow wash away in a licketysplit like a dream fast fading.... only these words echo in my mind everytime i take an insipid breath dozzed off asthalin deep down my throat amid wild gasps and drawing hums suffocated out of eosinophilia..

Fear not restless mind,

For the days are longer

and the winds are stronger

Worry not for what did you not find

for the worst is far from over

and the dust will make you sober

Bother not for all that you've become

For The tide would only last till the seasons gone

the fads who flow would fall along

tis time for the tide to turn and swords be drawn

for the battle of the life is finally on

just take a deep breath of silence 

for its time you wield your willow for a HOME RUN !!!

Haken Continuum.. Sheer Bliss...

When Rano was on town last night he called me for old times sake (luckily I picked) I just asked him as to whatz his work at this time of the year afterall he has been running around places for years and he hardly had time to think abt us I guess. All he said to me was, Just Hop-on man.. we are heading to something very interesting. Having nothing otherthan boredom all-over these years i could not help but being amused as a kid got a ticket for a circus. It was more than 6 years since I saw him for real.. 

He just took me to this record room near vadapalani in chennai and just gave to play a Haken Continuum today. I couldn't believe my eyes that im infact holding one for real....Oh boy..What an instrument it is.... Its all childs play though if u know to work around any XG a bit.... Sheer bliss I must say. 

Felt like my whole body was resonating in its natural freq.... Crying is inevitable as tears came rolling by i could hardly control myself. thatz what music can do to you... When u are surrounded by the BG's strumming around frenetically and with such a device as this that lets out a hysterically high pitched cry full of madness and music.... 

Ooh.. what a day this is... still the sound is reverberating in my ears even as my hands are itching for more... Thanks Rano for doing this for old times sake... really miss those gud old days of jamming undergrounds n ramming eachothers heads...

You could literally work around like a 3D Tab in front of you for all you need know is its a continuum fingerboard aka Haken Continuum.... Its pretty much like a 3axis Fingerboard where in you could control your music with Sensors under the playing surface that responds to our finger position and pressure in 3 dimensions and provide pitch resolution of one cent along the length of the scale (the X dimension), allowing essentially continuous pitch control for portamento effects and notes that are not in the chromatic scale, and allowing for the application of vibrato or pitch bend to a note. A software "rounding" feature enables pitch to be quantized to the notes of a traditional equal-tempered scale, just scale or other scale to facilitate in-tune performance, with the amount and duration of the "rounding" controllable in real time.

An illustration of the Continuum Fingerboard's axes.

The Continuum also provides two additional parameters for the sound: it is able to transmit the finger pressure on the board as a MIDI value, as well as the finger's vertical position on the key. These parameters are independently programmable; a standard configuration is where position on the X-Axis (lengthwise) on the instrument corresponds to pitch, position on the Y-Axis (widthwise) corresponds to a timbre shift, and position on the Z-Axis (vertically) corresponds to a change in amplitude. The Continuum is capable of polyphonic performance, with up to 16 simultaneous voices.

Luks like there are similar apps now available in variety of Ipads, tabs etc., like morphwiz, Bebot etc., (watch the video in this link which also shows ARR in a interview showcasing his handiwork in his IPad using Bebot)

Luks like very few have effectively used it with our very own ARR the legend leading the show. Watch the video as to how passionately he strokes a haken continuum Fingerboard. That truly evokes the spirit in you.

Wonder if somebody would use this for carnatic music as well. It'd be interesting to see someone adapt this even as its quite obvious that over time some one will evidently do it. I can of-course fancy my chances if  only I could afford one to my already increasing collection of music instruments :)

Experience the thrill.. you know what im sayin...

Battered and out...

Guess Im done with all my misery
And all the things that i did to me so smeary
Still standing but battered
The pain that keeps me all so cluttered

The miles I tread seems getting longer
As the wind and darkness seem to grow stronger
Undeterred I try still keep chasing on
Un-fluttered the darkness still keeps stalking on

Distant dreams seems just a mirage
Adding just one more year to my age
Last tasted success seems eons ago
Leaving me stranded with so many miles to go

The days are getting longer and loner
Smacking a reminder that im just another goner
Trembling legs tumbling tears i still try
To break the shackles from the cobwebs of my life

Years in a jiffy seem to roll me by
As life seem so still and im laying bye
Sometimes i wonder cursing me why
Withered and battered still i lie

can't believe I'm so broken inside.
for i've failed to keep my self aside
Nothing else here seem to matter anymore
Don't think I have it in me no more

Courage is what I once had so high
Ravaging with time as it feels the end game draws nigh
Dreaded yet I try keep walking on
The dire straits of my life hardly seem to move on

So many threats and fears, so many wasted years
Before my life can actually be won to be my own


And yep there were some rare moments of gold
With lot many stories gone untold
And yep there were flashes of light
filled with hope of may and might

We see just what we want to see
So you feel just what you want to be
Hoping that everything is coming back to me
I hope I'll just be what I was to be

Solving the 4x4x4 Cube - The Rubik Revenge - New Obsession

Solving the Rubik Revenge has become a new obsession. Thanks to Murali for importing one for me (For free ofcourse :) )  

While I must admit that I still am trying to perfect my skills and that i could only accidentally arrive at the solution after trying different combinations for atleast half-an-hour, its really a wonderful and exciting step ahead much more that one could get solving a beginners 3x3x3.

I had taught many of my pals to use an easier algorithm based on patterns and orientations. I would soon post  my very own algorithm for solving a 3x3x3 aka algo-de-chuppandi. It feels really weary to prepare a documentation of sorts. I approach the given scrambled cube in the form of a 3cube matrix. starting from orienting to transpose layer-via-layer. This way one could get to the solution quite quickly. However it would seem all very complex with lots of moves. 

Now Rubik revenge is an entirely different game altogether. I kinda vaguely remembered I had read somewhere a professor I Ching had similar structure at hand when he had to transpose DNA segments when arranged in the form of a three dimensional matrix. In cond-mat/0204078, too they've tried to re-orgenize the cubes in a spacial nodes with particular application to binary sequences of length six of the general concept of sequence-space, first introduced in coding theory by Hamming. 

a six-dimensional hypercube

It also makes us wonder how the nature points us ways of solving things that could be far complex to comprehend by a human mind..

Well sorry for yet another boring subject guyz. If you sure are not able to catch what i was just balbberring just wait for my next video and documentation on solving a hyper cube of any size. 

Now for the record thatz me with my cube... intolerable ain't it... :)

Revenge...

Thatz me with my cube @office :)

And thatz how i keep my desk... :)

Sports Preview shows - Mediocre Media and those mean men...

Too sick of watching the match previews on the eve of CWC2011... Esp the news channels like timenow, NDTV they hardly look appealing and are only concentrating on doing something flashy and filmy with all those nonsense comments and catch lines so mediocre written by mediocre ppl....

Even roping in those old hogs seems hardly helping it improve its content... Boria Majumdar (funny sports beureu journo) a self-proclaimed cric geek just goes on spitting watever comes across his mind claiming he has gotten some kinda heavenly dawn... Mandira trying so hard to luk cute and so pathetic in her all reavealing attire with those few gud oldtimes who themselves are trying hard to put to words whatever they think.. coz these crazy media maniacs would try to make miles out of every minute.... Dean jones is another hilarious piece of shit... Prof. Deano as they fondly call him... SOmehow the fiery batsman from OZ had gotten so deep into the shit which only goes to show how unsuccessful could he so as to stop commenting and running (acting rather) sports preview shows....

Sidhu however still seem to maintain his lordliness yet attracting his fans with all those siddhuisms...

Well the names goes on and on for its the time for all these bugger to reap whatever they did or did not sow... As long as indian ppl are so fond of gossips in sports irrespective of the veracity of the content these media preview shows gonna fish out for TRP's with those hard liners claiming whatever they hardly know of..

However ironic as it may sound it is a very evident truth that media is hardly ethical and loyal these days and are running for mere money than for the spirit of the journalism.

Another chance.. too close to be lost...

Hey guyz...
Just to update you all, I just am in pursuit of perhaps what could be one last chance to trek along the valleys to my dream....

Wish me luck guys... for im on a run-away train with just hope left in me to get back to where it all begun.... Just for a chance to start it all-over again...

Will update ya all soon.....  as to whether i did made it or flunked is as if by habit...

Im Done... !!! GTG....

Well... Its official now guyz.. im leaving... I mean atleast from this god-forsaken place where i've wasted all my precious youthful years unfruitfully. I donno if anybody would give a damn shit if some obnoxious little weed has got over its hapless, miserable or sorry state from where that got so institutionalized, was wasting its time around a pretty uncongenial place and was doltishly hoping to make better use of its never existant talents that a natural achiever in the corporate world inherits or rather cultivates.

Iam finally sick of cursing around blaming the biggies for not recognizing or rather realizing the talents from my vantage point. I know perfectly well (like my Ex-boss uesd to say) everybody has the right to feel betrayed given that so-called 'performance' in a corporate world. SOme for not getting triple-promoted, some for not being Product heads and so on. I guess its only the magnitude that differs and it doesn't matter whose woe is bigger.

The performance appraisal system that we had is so pathetic that even the bosses would say "this in no way reflects your performance or the way you worked". What in gods name would you call that kinda system where-in you dont relate your apprisal system to your performance. But as it turns out always the ones who enjoy the greatest visibility or pro-sombus are the ones called as outstanding performers and are awarded the life-changing breaks that are evident in any corporates like the Fast-Track Growth or Sponsorship for higher studies for instance.

Yes, I indeed am writing mainly to vent my anger that after wasting around 5 years nearly i am no one. Still left on the lurch bewildered, not knowing what I have done all the while. This after giving all the hard work (to me ofcourse - But certainly better compared to my peers i guess) and sacrificing all the options that came to my way (though too compelling in a way). I feel like I've had enough, have got my share and was way too stressed and it feels like i've gone so meek.

And now just like I've been musing all the while as to how I was so vibrant during my college days (The days fading away so fast like a distant dream) and how it all went like the taper wastes away. here iam still reminiscing the good old days where chuppandi is known for his courage, ruthlessness and knowledge. I just dont want to be like this anymore and i hope i can shrug-off this bad patch in my life the dire straits of my life is finally here to pass.

Well actually i dont want to complain anyone for my slothful life and this being a conscious choice of mine, im just angry at myself for doing this time and again. Angry at myself for buttressing these kiss-asses and praying demigods for that elusive grades that some of my peers were able to get 3years before and still hoping foolishly that things would change somehow or other

Things are not at all working out for me here...  I am not the kinda guy luking for promotions and monetary awards all the time. But you cannot tolerate being taken for granted, demeaning in a way and are always victimized and still expected to deliver out of the most demanding situations. This precisely is what is the reason for which i chose not to stay even if means that i've got to go back to square one as i've let slip-away lot many opportunities that came my way. I dont mind even if  I have to search something anew. getting mouthful of bashes from my mom/dad at home.

My boss just asked me for a reason when I gave him the letter as to what the reason is and that he'll not accept it without any, to which i replied for the last few years i've only been asking for reasons and more so some reformative or even scrutinizing feedback and that i ain't got no reply from anyone for that matter. Now why do you ask me a reason..... Lets see how things goes and will update you all on that....

Thanks for the read :)

Home Alone - Lost in Solitude - Adieu to Murali...

Lying alone on my makeshift mattress like a 'Lonely Cat' i was wondering how long am i going to see the ceiling... must've been an hour atleast. And my eyes are full of tears.. (yeah... I cried after many long days....) the chill that i can feel as i see the fan that as it kept rotating incessantly kinda deported me to those good old days... The days gone by like a flash..

Must've been more than 4 and half years now... They say life flies like an arrow.. It went indeed very swiftly. we never had time to look back and i never knew we like each other so much that we would definitely feel for ourselves...

I was crying like the way i used to (with the same gasps for breath) when my grandpa used to leave me whenever he comes for the annual leave or during those few occasions. The long days we would spend time together. Roaming the street bazaars, introspecting and reflecting on each others thoughts, the advices he used to give, the foolishly ruthless stare he used to cast upon me to show his reprobation on my fallacious deeds, and how I’d neutralize him by striking the flesh under his ear and watch it dance back and forth and at times climb on his back to rock his bald head... The nights i used to sleep embracing him feeling his heart beat on the wet towel he daily used to sleep with on the floor. 

I kinda remember all that now... The kind of eerie feeling that I get when he leaves me alone (though with my parents)... No one would be so important to me... I had not talked sense to anyone at times even for a week or more until his letters come. There are days he left without uttering a word to me when I’m out to school, ground or asleep fearing I’d make a scene and equally tough for him to leave with a heavy heart. Such is the bonding we shared.

I got all of that back after so many years now... I did not even felt this way when I left to Chennai for work from my home. I decidedly wanted to stay alone with friends than the host of relatives who are even nearby to my workplace and ofcourse did welcome me (though some hesitantly and some for the sake of....) I always wanted to make new friends. My dad though was so hesitant later approved when he saw me i got a few of them who joined along with me.

It was outright fun from start. We had no restrictions, no boundaries, no one to complain, no one to grumble, scolder, reprimand or even to appreciate and feel good for. We were four of us. Vijay, Sundar, Murali and myself. The first one left a bit early (after 2yrs) the next a bit less than a year ago and the third one today. 

This post is mainly dedicated to the one that stood with me till the last. To tell him how I actually felt though I may not actually say it. This is what I felt from inside though i never voiced out my emotions. I did not wanted him to leave with heavy heart like me and mainly because afterall how long would he be able to stay with me. Perhaps this is why they insist one should get married. It makes a bit sense now that when you are alone you need someone atleast to talk to. Parents cannot last that long in your journey of life. But let me reiterate that I can live with this for after all I’ve been living lonely for years without my dearly one...

I just wanted to document our journey together in life. The few years we spent together had really taught me what friendship really is and what it really isn't

Murali and I had shared so much for so long that we even know what to eat and where... We talk so much about so many things... Him a movie maniac who turned out to be a scientist. And me a self-proclaimed maniac turned moron so retarded that i can only keep saying everything suffixing back then during the days of.....

I mean we both are so different personalities with different character, ambitions, mindset and everything barring a few. He an avid listener of music across all genres the only one who withstood my tortures in the name of classical music. Inquisitive, humble, simplistic and self-opined though he asks a host of questions about each and everything, i guess he has this power of remembrance that he could even recognize the patterns in persons, the day everything had happened and if it was cloudy on that day.

We have argued so much about so many things all these days... I never felt i'd rather be this emotional when he leave.. 

Its actually a misery that me being the last one left to lurch on this godforsaken doom that frustrates me. I look around.. the TV which we all bought together(Though i oddly watched it except for those IPL matches my pals enjoyed it the most which is why they vetoed me when was fighting lonely amongst the maniacs letting out a feeble cry to buy something useful). The room we spent our night talking along incessantly for hours at times even till 2am (Certainly guys we are not gays). The shelf that is empty which used to be so tidy below mine which would be so awkward and full of rubbish. The PC that we so avidly used to watch movies search about anything vagabonding from one to other as mind goes by. 

I guess we had spent so much time together in a few years than my home. Never been so attached to being in a surrounding for so long. But i now kind of feel like it has all gone away in a flash. I never realized that this is coming. Not even all these days he told me that he had to leave. But the moment he left from here i got that feeling (DéjàVu). The heaviness in my heart that I’m alone at the home where we spent all these unfruitful days of mine together. 

I took him home one day where my mom had complained about my reclusive behavior. He tried to negate that by saying how i actually feel. Since then my parents used to tell me that 'he aint a gud boy.. don’t stay with him'. I can now tell them he is no longer with me and that your gud boy will stay unadulterated.

It all started the day we both had signed the agreement papers with our house owners. It is quite evident that we took the initiative... Quite natural for our character. We both had signed the bond while other two stood witness to it. Since then we used to call ourselves as House Owners... Wonder if the term still means anything. I still remember him only as HO. The term we used to bully the other room-mates as the counter plans they made were pathetically flawed.

I guess I should find it now.. Search it somewhere... (We lost it the same month). It is the symbol of the friendship. I regard that as the agreement that actually bonded us together. It may seem like an odd possibility but in fact it really is.....

Well I’d better finish it here than to get emotional again... 

I never thought I’d be so childish in expecting people to be with forever. It took some time for me to come to terms since my grandpa had left I guess this should take much lesser than that. But I think its good to let some hurt come in so that you would atleast try to end the prolonged procrastination and would search for life that is so vibrant, energetic, challenging, fortunate and equally fruitful.

Life is a journey, and we are not-so-tempestuous travelers of time who met on a juncture\causeway and happened to tread along for years together. The day has come that we are at cross-roads and we had to take the bend to walk through the pathway of life, not knowing what lies ahead. Destiny is never a choice for people who pass-by. We might meet again on another bend for the world is round and even if not I wish him all the best on all the walks of his life. And would like to reiterate few words from our favorite band the rascal flatts - My Wish....

"My wish for you

Is that this life becomes all that you want it to

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small

You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to

I hope you know somebody loves you

And wants the same things too

Yeah, this is my wish"

Wish him best of luck on his love to succeed as well... Cheers Mate....

Bucket Sandhi

Sorry for the caste specific post. This is something i just wanted to tell ya all.... Im sure no one would feel offended with this. If you find it boring, pl. ignore...

Hey guyz.. 

I know i ain't supposed to b here preaching malice... But just being curious to know if there are others doing bucket sandhi as well...

While I very much wanted to do the Sandhi everyday, the inability of mine added with unavailability of time had forced me to frustration as i found it hard to cope with my otherwise pandemonistic and lazy lifestyle.

Which is when the inventor in me thought about finding a new alternative... 

With credit to my TRIZ skill i found it very convenient to alter the traditional method of doing it in the banks of the river. (there used to be river running around every city, coroporation, village and harmitages those days) which is why brahmins those days were doing it while taking bath.

I was like why not we do it while bathing too... That is when it all started 'The Bucket Sandhi'.... I've been doing it for years now.. I donno if it really violates any of the sacred verses that we insipidly recite day and again. To which i think I do not hold any curses for culpable damage to...

On the other hand i do it seriously without hesistance of any kind twice a day (madhyaniham - never tried that..). I've been doing it for almost 5 yrs now...

Well to those perfectionists pl ignore me as yet another anomalies.... To those fellow Bucket Sandhi performers... Cheerz guyz.....

N on Track !!!!

Phew !!! What an eventful week it was...

I literally had no time to look behind.. have been sleeping hardly enough (4hrs a day). I have never felt so far in my life that 24 hrs. a day isn't enough at all... Not even during the examination days. Guess if one had to work like this he'll die of chronic failures of all of his senses one after another. However the days were interesting as well with loads of activities, lots of planning and lots more of work.

Guess the coming week would be much more eventful as well if not the same as we get closer to the deadline but the thing is that its not us but the target that is closing-in on us. Whatever it is, this week will answer us all that are we really the ones who could do things.

Just to give you all a glimpse of what is it that we are upto, i'd borrow our top man's description of what we really are upto.

"You ppl are in a 20-20 cricket match in which you'll have to strike 22+12 runs in the last over. But its just that the match has already been over a month ago and you ppl are still swaying your bats saying that you'll accomplish things, come what may...."

Well it just gives you guyz a glimpse of sheer enormity of the task-at hand, we've been asked to give it a try even if it means that the match has already over. Afterall the match has to be played for someone to win !!! And the last over still had to be bowled if it has to be over !!!...

I guess that is where we stand now... After a week of having been assigned within to accomplish come what may, though we all have the apprehensions that how could this be done after all ?? we've decided to steer through to see if we could make a difference... A difference to the world out there, to ourselves and for no one else.... For i believe life is not about standing safe and watching things but is all about getting hurt a million times and then at the end you'd only say Wow... What a ride !!!

But what would obviously hurt at the end is that all these will eventually be credited to those select few who have been groomed to be like whatever they are. 

That apart i guess we are gaining some momentum. Seriously... I guess we are keeping up the run-rate. If only we could manage the same and could step up a few time at the later days of the week, i guess we'd have done justice to ourselves and to the organization. I was very much thrilled and excited at the excitement this has given us whether the other are enjoying or not. 

Something in me tells me strongly that we have finally arrived... and i hope i could still motivate all my fellow warriors to stay put and fight bravely to win it for ourselves...

I can see the gush of optimism that is now flowing within ourselves. If only we do things like these we'd realize our true ability. May our will's win this for us.

Its been a long time….

Its been a long time…since i posted some musings...

Had been busy with my work… if you can call it that...But yes, i felt very bad about my time management.

I am going to start blogging again like old times…

To those few readers out there who still are longing for my pandemonic musings, I am Back 

What am i now from what i was once - A Self-Intorspection - Musings

I came home this evening letting out a wild outcry not knowing what to do. I feel like the time-out is running fast as my life goes on. I have so many things to do, I keep so many things in my mind and feeling like im running out of space, I have so many things to follow that I couldn’t even keep the trace of. Everything seems to be too much for me nowadays…

This state of fear fused with frail had posed me this introspection. What am I now from what I was a while before… A while ??? I think that while to me is from the serene days I had evolved rapidly during my college days. Those were the times I was consistently competing with my own limits. I had been able to do lot of things other than studying. Its not just that the projects (a lot) that I had worked and lent my hand that gave me the confidence to face the world, its that I had felt complete as a man. I had answers for my own questions (I was able to answer them). I felt like I was versatile enough to handle things (which turned out to be something the industries dislike. They need only performers not all-rounders is what they prefer to call it).

Now that being consistently underperforming and lowering my bar from time to time. Every milestone in my life seems far away fading inside my dreams (not so i had dreamt of). I had decided back then to work for atleast five years or so before i start in pursuit of my dream not as a kind of breather but just as some time to gain some positives Viz., mental, financial, knowledge, Experience (both in life & work which is why i prefered to stay with friends instead of staying with relatives), Vision, Information and lot more.... But it all turned out be lack of all of them and instead i gained alot of others Viz., weight (a lot of them losing my fitness levels wonder if i can call it that), introversion, lack of self-confidence and what not...

These i feel are only as a result of projecting yourself as an ill-performer doing mean things. Not being fed with right input to crunch for my brain is one thing and adding to that is my lacklustre life. I've been completely out of my mind doing whatever i feel im getting pleasure from. Resting my body, reading pot-boilers, straying out of my sane lifestyle, literally living an erroneous life...

However its completely wrong to blame my life @ work, work ethics or people around me for what i am and for what i am not. They are simply the way i wanted. If i can think of some positives its so sad that there are none to boost my confidence to the extent i can feel my fingers shaking whenever i try doing something challenging myself. My mind is completely working in curtailed space a kind of safe-mode just before destruction.

I hope to comeback from this state of mind / fear to the world where everything makes sense to me. I was often characterized by ppl referring to me everything they feel problamatic for i had solutions for most of them. I had once been an a salient person, prominent in the backyards of my department in college. i was accustomed to such a state of living. Now that being no one in a large cauldron i feel like im losing myself not having enough things or not being fed enough to crunch. However best i tried to indulge myself to keep myself busy i failed the harder making me still lowering my bars.

I hope to change my ill-fortune. I hope to bounce back to my life again, getting back to road after a wayward behaviour. I hope to make sense to mystelf and to others. I hope, i hope.... As Andy dufranse says in Shawshank Redemption, "Remember Hope is a good thing". And here i hope to become a man again still beliving things would turn up for me.

I was thinking about everything, writing about whatever comes to my mind, reflecting deeply on every nuances of life, creating whatever i thought, doing whatever i liked at some point of time i felt like im all set to conquer the world. But atlast the annhilation led me nowhere. Now, Im stuck with myself. The way i kept laughing others for their state of helplessness. I've become one myself. Now i think i shall show them how to comeback in life just as my dada did time after time. It may look like a fairytale but that is how winners work. That is how winning is done.

This reminds me of the Stallone's dialogue in his Rocky balboa -08. Something which i feel like my father or even my grandpa (if alive) would've told the same. These are the times i really miss my grandpa who really made me who iam literally from nowhere...

I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.

I think this introspection gave me a lot of postives to think about. And much importantly to vent out my negatives, to speak my heart out to see if mean something. I also request readers (if you care) to give me feedback on the same. I think i've mused enough again.

Best wishes to all u guyz for a Prosperous new year !! Hope this year and the years to come would bring us what we deserved and if one doors opens to another door lets close not our hope as we keep on walking till we find another window... But more than anything my wish for you all is that this life becomes all that you want it to be and your dreams stay big, you never need to carry more than what you can hold and i hope u all know somebody loves you and you love others.. Godspeed

Can't balance life without work - Musings - Twister off a brief Vacation

I think it has been quite a bit of time since I posted my last blog. I would be lying had I told I’ve been a bit busy as usual. And ain’t that short of some stuff either to ponder. The fact is that I had a lot of things I had to share. Except that im suffering from extended procrastination for quite a period of time. Which explains why I keep deferring posting my desultory musings.

Now after a brief vacation (off from the pandemonistic life) hoping that I’d come back refreshed, inturn ended up in a total turmoil. Feeling restless, regret and pain. (Why is it so ??, not that I know !!!) which is why I’ve decided to ease myself musing out. So please bother not if I do sound insane (as usual).

The sudden surge of happenings since then had perturbed me and left me gasping for breath. It’s not that I’m up to an wild-ghost ride. It’s just that I had been so institutionalized within my surroundings for a while (for which I had been turning down even the thought of shifting my job). Now that things are beginning to change it seems life has started to knock me off my balance. I ain’t afraid of it as I hope that it could at least help in stirring the dormant underdog in me.

I feel like im often straying off my limits (lower) to the extent that I have never been thought before. They say when you are performing at your limits you should be happy for yourself. Because that is where you want to be…. Nah thatz the upper limit (well it seems im dwelling too much into the issue lemme make it straight)

I think its high time I had to scramble myself to rise up not for any occasion as such but to lift my spirits atleast. It seems too much for myself now to rest upon my extinct laurels, something I can only reminisce now. Im looking for one such occasion though I know its absolute stupidity to wait for an occasion to rise upon to chase your dreams. Somehow I can’t help myself from this state of informed pessimism (or whatever pshycs call it) as it had ran all down to my spine vilifying me. I think I need a voltage potential like a fully dried battery to bounce back into action. Which exactly Is what im looking for. And im too tired of looking for it every now and then all these years hoping this would end my profound slothfulness.

Interruptions

Sitting quietly,
listening to voices:
harsh, calm, strange—
and silent.

Waiting for something
to happen, for perhaps
a miracle.

For a time when this turbulent
sea of wasted breath
shall sink into peace.

Stillness will pervade.

But before that,
there’ll be that ominous, almost
disconcerting
calm…

The loser...

I love no one,'cos I am not capable of loving anymore.
I feel nothing,
No happiness,
No sadness,
No Love,
No hatred,
Nothing
I am Nothing,
I am hollow,
I don't want to live,
Neither do I want to die

They say time heals all wounds.
Does it?
Does it?
I am still as numb as i was when death came
And touched her on the shoulder,
My love, you told me to live on,
So I am living,
But I am not alive,
I am just a walking corpse.

The Memories of our time together are golden,
They remain etched forever in my brain,
As the only time I was alive.
I am Hollow,
I am Hollow,
I am dead inside,
Just a living corpse,
Just a living corpse.

hope u liked it!!

Spring haikus

1.
a lost pleasure is
tucked in the folds of darkness
birds sing at sunrise

2.
the apricot tree
long bare suddenly flowers
at which spring smiles back

First Light

It’s been going on all night
Make no mistake
Don’t be beguiled by the innocent look
Of those trees hanging about,
Hands in pockets, in the fields
Still pooled with darkness
Don’t be misled by the silver light,
The anarchic flight of sparrows
Or the crows practising tai chi

Don’t be fooled by the rising safety curtain
On the moon-clean stage
After the first act’s carnage has been cleared
Or the warming up of the orchestra
Now missing its woodwind section

This is not a fresh start
This is no new dawn

The sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence

I don't remember what was the last song I liked so much .What was yours?

Cross Roads, Poem by Robert Frost and Self-contemplation... Musings

How many times in our life we remember the poem by Robert Frost we first read in school.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Today is one such day again in my life. I was offered a permanent position with one of a company that has its HQ's in England. The place in question being Scotland - Dunde. I've never been there earlier (never been anywhere for that matter) So strange that this reminds me only of the cross-roads the Robert Frost's words....

Ofcourse i've negated myself against the temptation i had to grab the offer (u blame it on my lethargy or my inability). Everytime i put myself through the through question while self-contemplating, the answer is evident. I cannot move my ass from here...

May be im getting institutionalized... heading-off for the same job guess not much has changed, the same life and same routines. Maybe I'll be alone here as well. Everyday I will hear someone say "Yaar yahan life bekar hai" (Buddy ,life in India is no good)

Everyday I'll see social networking profiles of Indians with Pics with the background of Opera house,Eiffel Tower,Statue of Liberty and Niagra Falls with the caption " Me Chilling @ .....".

But for some reason that I can't put to words I say No not even to the thought of it. Maybe I love things as they are, maybe I love being here, may me im not adept enough, Maybe the Economy is booming.. Maybe the India is the best place to be at this moment..