What am i now from what i was once - A Self-Intorspection - Musings

I came home this evening letting out a wild outcry not knowing what to do. I feel like the time-out is running fast as my life goes on. I have so many things to do, I keep so many things in my mind and feeling like im running out of space, I have so many things to follow that I couldn’t even keep the trace of. Everything seems to be too much for me nowadays…

This state of fear fused with frail had posed me this introspection. What am I now from what I was a while before… A while ??? I think that while to me is from the serene days I had evolved rapidly during my college days. Those were the times I was consistently competing with my own limits. I had been able to do lot of things other than studying. Its not just that the projects (a lot) that I had worked and lent my hand that gave me the confidence to face the world, its that I had felt complete as a man. I had answers for my own questions (I was able to answer them). I felt like I was versatile enough to handle things (which turned out to be something the industries dislike. They need only performers not all-rounders is what they prefer to call it).

Now that being consistently underperforming and lowering my bar from time to time. Every milestone in my life seems far away fading inside my dreams (not so i had dreamt of). I had decided back then to work for atleast five years or so before i start in pursuit of my dream not as a kind of breather but just as some time to gain some positives Viz., mental, financial, knowledge, Experience (both in life & work which is why i prefered to stay with friends instead of staying with relatives), Vision, Information and lot more.... But it all turned out be lack of all of them and instead i gained alot of others Viz., weight (a lot of them losing my fitness levels wonder if i can call it that), introversion, lack of self-confidence and what not...

These i feel are only as a result of projecting yourself as an ill-performer doing mean things. Not being fed with right input to crunch for my brain is one thing and adding to that is my lacklustre life. I've been completely out of my mind doing whatever i feel im getting pleasure from. Resting my body, reading pot-boilers, straying out of my sane lifestyle, literally living an erroneous life...

However its completely wrong to blame my life @ work, work ethics or people around me for what i am and for what i am not. They are simply the way i wanted. If i can think of some positives its so sad that there are none to boost my confidence to the extent i can feel my fingers shaking whenever i try doing something challenging myself. My mind is completely working in curtailed space a kind of safe-mode just before destruction.

I hope to comeback from this state of mind / fear to the world where everything makes sense to me. I was often characterized by ppl referring to me everything they feel problamatic for i had solutions for most of them. I had once been an a salient person, prominent in the backyards of my department in college. i was accustomed to such a state of living. Now that being no one in a large cauldron i feel like im losing myself not having enough things or not being fed enough to crunch. However best i tried to indulge myself to keep myself busy i failed the harder making me still lowering my bars.

I hope to change my ill-fortune. I hope to bounce back to my life again, getting back to road after a wayward behaviour. I hope to make sense to mystelf and to others. I hope, i hope.... As Andy dufranse says in Shawshank Redemption, "Remember Hope is a good thing". And here i hope to become a man again still beliving things would turn up for me.

I was thinking about everything, writing about whatever comes to my mind, reflecting deeply on every nuances of life, creating whatever i thought, doing whatever i liked at some point of time i felt like im all set to conquer the world. But atlast the annhilation led me nowhere. Now, Im stuck with myself. The way i kept laughing others for their state of helplessness. I've become one myself. Now i think i shall show them how to comeback in life just as my dada did time after time. It may look like a fairytale but that is how winners work. That is how winning is done.

This reminds me of the Stallone's dialogue in his Rocky balboa -08. Something which i feel like my father or even my grandpa (if alive) would've told the same. These are the times i really miss my grandpa who really made me who iam literally from nowhere...

I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.

I think this introspection gave me a lot of postives to think about. And much importantly to vent out my negatives, to speak my heart out to see if mean something. I also request readers (if you care) to give me feedback on the same. I think i've mused enough again.

Best wishes to all u guyz for a Prosperous new year !! Hope this year and the years to come would bring us what we deserved and if one doors opens to another door lets close not our hope as we keep on walking till we find another window... But more than anything my wish for you all is that this life becomes all that you want it to be and your dreams stay big, you never need to carry more than what you can hold and i hope u all know somebody loves you and you love others.. Godspeed

Who am I ???

I am, but a shattered dream
A scratched wound
A lost hope for some
Life for another
I am a prayer in silence
A cry in despair
I am a painful memory
An unfulfilled wish

I am, but a longing for love
A confession of feelings
A petal in some book of past
A budding flower of spring
A dried leaf floating aloof
Going where breeze takes it

I am, but an admiration
In the eyes of a loved one
A disturbed thought
In the mind of some person
A truth in disguise
A secret kept in the vault of the heart
A smile on the lips of a woman…

I am... merely a thought!

Reminsing ....

Not sure if I spelled that word correctly but whatever. I found myself thinking a lot about my childhood today. Friends I made, and in turn friends I lost. Over the years people have moved on and become just a memory. The thing is I still remember those faces, names. I remember vividly toys I played with, and people I hung out with. I even remember something of the politics of the era.I think found myself thinking about the last few years that I've been in school.

Again, I vividly remember people I hung out with, things we did, faces I saw. Granted this is a little more recent than my childhood, but still I vividly remember these things. I remember the good with the bad. As much as I try to shove things down, something happens to bring those painful memories up again and break that wound wide open.I discovered today that life is made up of hellos and goodbyes. Everyday you meet new people, make new friends. Every day you have an impact on everyone you see. Think about that. Just try to wrap your puny little brain around that conept. How many people a day do you some how come into contact with them? Fifty, a hundred? Every one of those people you've impacted in some way. If for only a brief moment. Somtimes it is those brief moments that can have the biggest impact on a life.

I still remember things that were said to me by people I have long since lost contact. I remember in detail things that were said to me a yea and a half ago when I was trying hard to screw my life up. I remember a lot of things people have said to me, for better or worse. The thing is people, our time on this earth is short, very short. We only have a few moments to impact a life to our God. Things we say, do, thinks will have an impact for years to come.

Life isn't just about that, it's also about letting go. We have to learn to let go of those people that we have impacted. Place them in God's hands, they are no longer in our control, nor were they ever. People can be stupid yes, but just because we have a God who is in control of the earth taking care of people doesn't mean we just leave people to their own devices. It is imperative that we get in our family's face when they screw up. No matter how many times they screw up. Do not write off your friends simply because they screwed up. God has them on a program, you can help. You can impact your friends for God by simply getting in their face.

Now I'm not saying it's a good idea to do this to the general public, but sometimes a smile, touch of the hand, a quick prayer, simple things can make all the difference in the world. So as this year comes to a close think about how many people you've come into contact with, and how many negative and postive impacts you've made on the lives of those people.

My métier no more

The quick 3 minute ride in the elevator to the basement from the 94th storey paled in comparison to the arduous climb floor by floor – stair by stair he made to reach the place he called home for the past couple of years. He had a whole new world waiting for him, new horizons to explore, new trails to leave behind, a little apprehension and a whole lot of excitement, but he wasn’t on the 94th floor no more and it felt unfamilar.

I feel like that guy now as I try to stay afloat in a deluge of nostalgia I am besieged by. It was a passionate journey with fervent enthusiasm paving the way to where I felt I had found my true métier. The association may have been sudden but I asseverate I sure woolgathered long and hard about it . Each time I debated as a student upholding its monopolistic ways, each time I glanced at its founder’s signature on a xanthous piece of paper carefully tucked away in my wallet, each time I powered on my window to the world, I wanted to see myself inside it with a seething desire to be a spoke in the wheel that drove the entire industry. I can still smell the stench of accomplishment emanating from every pore of my skin when I knew I was finally there, to stay, the very first time, raring to take on my fraternity and come out a proud man.

The charm and the zest, however, dwindled with time as the ennui of work began to set in but it sure was an eventful ride, one that left me with bragging rights of having influenced, even if in miniscule proportions, a huge portion of humanity.

I am off the wagon now and for the good, pursuing something else which over time has become the fancy of my imagination but as I look back I feel strange realizing that I am yet to find my true métier after all.

Feeling happy - Musings !!!

What does it take to make anyone feel happy ???

Not loads of money, or not lots of great things, and certainly not the pleasures we kneel for. Its more than often just small simple things that make you happy

I feel very happy and my face automatically lights up

When I see a small kid - color, creed, caste, religion definetly no bar - when it smiles its innocent smile, the whole world turns to be very bright.
When I see a dog frolicking around
When I see on stage the coparticipants smile at one another sharing some private joke - it shows how much they are part of a team
When I see a flower opening up its petal
When I feel the rain falling down on me
When I feel the wind on my face
When I see a friend
When I see a good deed done by any one
Like this I can go on, it is not something is special about me, for every one all simple matters also make them feel happy, but they dont realise that, they think and feel that only big events or great things bring out happiness.

I am blessed tobe born as what I am. I am thankful to the Lord for giving me all things I want, wanted and may be wanting and not giving me those things that I dont deserve. yes at times, I have felt that God has let me down, when what I have prayed for hasnt been granted. But is only later that I realise that God has only taken care of me. I feel very special because I am beign taken care of in a very soft manner. Even in the worst times of my life, He has handled me a delicate flower, protecting me all the time, making life bearable or giving me the strength to bear the toughest challenge and come victorious out of that situation. I am truly grateful to him for always keeping me in his palm and taking care of me in a very special way.

How nerd am i ?? does it really need a test ??

Whispers of the Call !!!

Whispers of the Call

The Call
Carry the ways of the wise on your shoulders;
bear the burdens of your ancestors and
Deliver the exiles to their homes.

Create a new nation of wanderers
whose spark of the divine will light the path to eternity

Suppress the seeds of discord in your heart and
kill the desire of lust in your loins
for those things which are taboo

Instill the waves of harmony and love within you. Cultivate the flow of truthful face so that shadows of lies do not befall your countenance.

Go to the mountain. Do not let the mountain come to you.
Sit in its verdant valley of greens and yellows;
let the sparkling spring of summer soothe you.
Learn from its inhabitants then go out and share the wisdom.

Keep the secrets of the divine in your heart
until the world is ready to receive them.
Only then, can you come home.

For now...rest when you can,
for the days are long and weary.
In the ineffable name.
So mote it be.

Here Iam !!! This is me !!!

Here I am
Portions of self
Contained replica, snatches of reality
Where did I go?
Who was I?
Lore of self a mask of people
Re-define my space
Upload my memory
Download my life
In a beamless bottle
Lightless, breathless
for I lay there Lifeless.....

Musings !! Im who im not !!!

To run from yourself, you need a lot of space; for the self has a strange knack of catching up with itself.

And so half way through our lives, we're panting, gasping for breath not knowing what we're running to or away from, thinking we're moving ahead when all we're doing is moving in circles after ourselves, behind ourselves.

I read this quote somewhere in blogsphere a few days ago and couldn't help but wonder at how the writer had so beautifully hit on the truth. Of how so many of the human kind are so ill at ease with themselves, not knowing what to do with the way they think and act and behave.

So they, and I, we put up a facade trying to be someone we are not, trying to fit in where we don't, even look the way we don't. Sometimes we break free from the shackles of stereotypes voluntarily and sometimes our facade gives way, exposing who we truly are - to ourselves and the world. Sometimes, we put up a front of fighting the stereotypes when we privately play along with them, believing in them. The bottom line is we're trying to be people we want to be and what we want to be isn't always what we are born to be.

How uncomfortable then you can get in your own skin as you struggle to make it fit this false you. And it keeps slipping away. Somehow, the happiest people are those who are fine being who they are and don't have to say 'Let Me Be Me' 'cause they are being them!PS: If this sounds like me philosophising, well, may be I am!

MySelf vs My Created Self

The end is the beginning?

Have I arrived or am I leaving...

The world is round they say,

Will I come back from where I'm embarking?

Is this an end or a beginning?

Me and My World

Cant tell what you wont grasp
Cant show what you wont see
For my world is a notion to you
A Reality meant only for me

Bother not, if you fail to know
Worry not if I refuse to clarify
For my world lives in me
In me must It also die

If I appear insane, so be it
Its true, the way you know
I care less, for what you see
Who I am, I alone know

Closing in on my goal - Am i Pregnant ???

Sometimes i wonder, what have we accomplished in life to be proud of ???
Now, after seeing the weighing machine in a nearby hotel going crazy, about two rounds to show me im close to 100kg, i realized my goal isn't too far to achieve.. just 6 more and im done !!!

I'll sway my hands like lara exulting after his 400*..... finally im going to achieve something to be proud of.... To those who think im just another crazy little (Big though) fellow wasting time, yeah u r right and what else a man of my calibre can achieve anything in life to be proud of !!

Some say getting married and giving birth to a child as a proof of ur existance in itself is an achievement. I being decided to be bachelor for my lifetime(most of my inmates nuggle at me when i say this) , consider this as an achivement. Ofcourse only god knows how am i going to trim my tummy.. which i believe never going to happen due to my errant lifestyle these days..

How much have i changed?? well, if u were my class mate or a collegemate, u'd definitely mistake for a pregnant man :) !!! atleast thatz what my friends say abt me... Seriously nothing in my food habits have changed, neither did i.. But im seriously considering taking a scan for i doubt if due to some ET like or external powers, something is growing in me !!!
Am i Pregnant ???

6 Wierd Stuffs about me. !!!!!!!!

6 weird stuff about me... hmm, are there only 6? =))

well i guess im weird enough to know this much atleast..

Here it goes:

1) I have this utterly irritating habit (only to myself ofcourse) of virtually analyzing everything as I say it, like some second person sitting on top of my head, makes me lack sponteniety many a time.

2) I can be extremely lethargic to the point of not being able to lift my little finger and what makes it worse is the fact that I feel as if something is dying inside my brain because of the inactivity, but yet, I will not try and occupy myself !! This is something I have been struggling with myself with from a looong loong time (the worse since i started to work)...

3) I have a strange relationship with the Comps- if it is off, I won't turn it on, if it is on, I somehow act captivated by it, no matter what nonsense is running or playing and cannot turn it off!

4) I forget stuff that might have happened a day before, but will remember in intricate detail some weird little thing that happened eons ago, which no one else will be able to recollect.

5) Innocuos things that I may see and not really notice during the day will play a central role in my dreams when I sleep!!!

6) I'm atrocious about keeping in touch with people to the point of being non sociable but for no reason at all! and ironically if someone actually gets in touch with me, I can talk for hours on end without feeling any strain or restraint, but will lapse into being nonsociable almost immediately thereafter!