Friday, December 26, 2008

What am i now from what i was once - A Self-Intorspection - Musings

I came home this evening letting out a wild outcry not knowing what to do. I feel like the time-out is running fast as my life goes on. I have so many things to do, I keep so many things in my mind and feeling like im running out of space, I have so many things to follow that I couldn’t even keep the trace of. Everything seems to be too much for me nowadays…
This state of fear fused with frail had posed me this introspection. What am I now from what I was a while before… A while ??? I think that while to me is from the serene days I had evolved rapidly during my college days. Those were the times I was consistently competing with my own limits. I had been able to do lot of things other than studying. Its not just that the projects (a lot) that I had worked and lent my hand that gave me the confidence to face the world, its that I had felt complete as a man. I had answers for my own questions (I was able to answer them). I felt like I was versatile enough to handle things (which turned out to be something the industries dislike. They need only performers not all-rounders is what they prefer to call it).
Now that being consistently underperforming and lowering my bar from time to time. Every milestone in my life seems far away fading inside my dreams (not so i had dreamt of). I had decided back then to work for atleast five years or so before i start in pursuit of my dream not as a kind of breather but just as some time to gain some positives Viz., mental, financial, knowledge, Experience (both in life & work which is why i prefered to stay with friends instead of staying with relatives), Vision, Information and lot more.... But it all turned out be lack of all of them and instead i gained alot of others Viz., weight (a lot of them losing my fitness levels wonder if i can call it that), introversion, lack of self-confidence and what not...
These i feel are only as a result of projecting yourself as an ill-performer doing mean things. Not being fed with right input to crunch for my brain is one thing and adding to that is my lacklustre life. I've been completely out of my mind doing whatever i feel im getting pleasure from. Resting my body, reading pot-boilers, straying out of my sane lifestyle, literally living an erroneous life...
However its completely wrong to blame my life @ work, work ethics or people around me for what i am and for what i am not. They are simply the way i wanted. If i can think of some positives its so sad that there are none to boost my confidence to the extent i can feel my fingers shaking whenever i try doing something challenging myself. My mind is completely working in curtailed space a kind of safe-mode just before destruction.
I hope to comeback from this state of mind / fear to the world where everything makes sense to me. I was often characterized by ppl referring to me everything they feel problamatic for i had solutions for most of them. I had once been an a salient person, prominent in the backyards of my department in college. i was accustomed to such a state of living. Now that being no one in a large cauldron i feel like im losing myself not having enough things or not being fed enough to crunch. However best i tried to indulge myself to keep myself busy i failed the harder making me still lowering my bars.
I hope to change my ill-fortune. I hope to bounce back to my life again, getting back to road after a wayward behaviour. I hope to make sense to mystelf and to others. I hope, i hope.... As Andy dufranse says in Shawshank Redemption, "Remember Hope is a good thing". And here i hope to become a man again still beliving things would turn up for me.
I was thinking about everything, writing about whatever comes to my mind, reflecting deeply on every nuances of life, creating whatever i thought, doing whatever i liked at some point of time i felt like im all set to conquer the world. But atlast the annhilation led me nowhere. Now, Im stuck with myself. The way i kept laughing others for their state of helplessness. I've become one myself. Now i think i shall show them how to comeback in life just as my dada did time after time. It may look like a fairytale but that is how winners work. That is how winning is done.
This reminds me of the Stallone's dialogue in his Rocky balboa -08. Something which i feel like my father or even my grandpa (if alive) would've told the same. These are the times i really miss my grandpa who really made me who iam literally from nowhere...
I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.
I think this introspection gave me a lot of postives to think about. And much importantly to vent out my negatives, to speak my heart out to see if mean something. I also request readers (if you care) to give me feedback on the same. I think i've mused enough again.
Best wishes to all u guyz for a Prosperous new year !! Hope this year and the years to come would bring us what we deserved and if one doors opens to another door lets close not our hope as we keep on walking till we find another window... But more than anything my wish for you all is that this life becomes all that you want it to be and your dreams stay big, you never need to carry more than what you can hold and i hope u all know somebody loves you and you love others.. Godspeed

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