No.. No... wait... this isn't just another musing about how deplorable a state im in these days,to the contrary this is about how i just overcame one of those impedes which gave me a bit of confidence that i too shall see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Needless to say how pathetic a state am i in overall. But just one of those components of it is my talking. I've been talking mindlessly over everything. I've even beento meetings where i've uttered statements without knowing what i meant and presumably my words absolutely meant nothing. it made absolute indifference of either my words neither my presence.
I wasn't this bad afterall for i had a good vocabulary to choose words from within, had taken several seminars and took a few concept lectures for my juniors and even for M.Tech's, I've done a few papers and did my own project presentations including those hectic review meetingswhere ppl will shoot point-blank questions only about why i've not done those things and about how wrong a path im in. I took them all in their stride, i managed my life pretty well those days. Never been frustrated and was always cool when it matters most esp. those intense presentations and question hours. There were some significant comments even from my guides about how jocular i am when i took those seminars. I've always enjoyed interactions. But days have rolled now.... I guess its enough boasting off and now where where were I ???
It was one of those presentations where-in I had to present something (a work we did in our dept.) with few big ppls (they claim so !!) around. I had a lot of points to make and few chords to strike at the right time.As usual I fainted and blabbered incessantly as my words meant nothing even to me and feeling which i scrambled to safe mode and managed to salvage few bits of those messes i left and in process forgot all those points i had in mind, which in-turn evidently resulted as questions which neither me nor my boss enjoyed as it'd raise unwarranted fingers at ppl's ability and so forth which are applicable to every corporates as if a norm.
And then stood my boss who handled things from there and took it in his shoulders to shoo away them all which he did pretty well. I felt ashamed of having done more than few bits of work, i failed to make an impact. And thatis what counts out here the place where i work.
That night i repented for what i did (But can't help myself), was angry at myself and was equally quizeed as to why have i become so deterred, so weak now,and most importantly so soon. It was evident by then that i am running low on confidence. I wasn't feeling that positive enough and those ruthlessspirit, confidence and hope i had carried had faded away considerably. Iam not sure at myself these days. But the worst part is i could hardly do anything about it now.
The very next day called my boss to tell me how unhappy he was (he never used to tell that even though i flopped and always fell short of his yardstick, he'd only talk about the positives).But that was a very different person i was speaking to. Actually i was happy that somone is pointing my mistakes and to which i meekly listened. He was telling how bad i sounded when i actually stood there stumbling for words. And told me that the problem wasn't my language or fear (coz i never had feard ppl in ranks. I always speak of what i think explicitly irrespective of their position). But it was indeed my thinking which has to be changed, he said.
To which i returned null. For a moment I had though he must've been to one of those inspirational management Programmes or to those lectures about how to motivate others et al. But thankfully he made sense. He knew exacly what was the problem with me (My talking).
He said "you are always thinking about the points you wanted to make and are waiting for that time and in-turn failing to say what has to be said until then. And thinking about the next sentence everytime you are always failing to say what has to be said now." WHich sounded a bitnormal advice and those typecast advice given by the experts but when thought upon made much sense and to my surprise, alas! i've found answer to one of myumteen questions.
It took me a while as I began my course correction measures. I started from thinking where did i get this habit from and found out that i was actually learning those times to play guitar and was having trouble following the notes in which always i had to see the notes ahead and how should i changemy fingers subsequently but should play what is on the present time also following the beats. I struggled really hard to cope up with all these and in-turn had been thinking about what i had to say next even when i speak. This really took some time to sink-in.
But i think im really able to manage things better now. Had a important meeting with few ppl last week (non-official and non-personal... no raising of eyebrows, it ends here...) i was really thankful to my boss for the first time since i met him for really giving me a reformativefeedback for the first time. And if only he could give reasons\feedbacks for all the scrutinizing he did or for what he did for me so for i could've changed myself to cope with what was really expected of me. (Seriously, I still do not know... and is worth an introspection)
That being said, this was really helpful for me as a person and to groom myself for the so called professional life. And most importantly gave me a bit of confidence to believe that i too could see some light and have helped me in keeping my hope alive. Thanks to him for I couldn'ttell this directly to him which would mean the otherwise (especially this month :)... Never mind im confident and have no big expectations for i know what is it that counts in this part of the world..)